Adult (in progress) and adventures.

These past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about life. Often I forget that I'm 23. Today on my timehop, a picture from my first trip to NYC showed up... from seven years ago. Two thoughts crossed my mind: one) how was the seven years ago already? two) It was only 7 years ago? I remember that trip very well. It was three days after Christmas, my junior year of high school, and it was with Student Council. The tree was still up in Rockefeller Plaza. I saw NBC Studios for the first time (one of the most exciting parts). We also took pictures with the Trump Tower Doorman. That was when Trump was riding the high life with Apprentice, before he was seen as somewhat of a joke. 

Life has been weird, as it should. It's funny to think I'm 23. When I was growing up, I had to ask for permission for things, as a kid often has to do. I realized the other day that I don't have to anymore. Then another thought crossed my mind, I feel as though I'm as much an adult as I still am a kid. Yes, I'm on the other coast, paying my own bills, paying rent. Yes, I have a full time job. But, I still call home just to say hi and to also ask life advice questions. I'm an adult in progress. I have much to learn, but I am well on my way. 

When I was younger, 23 seemed much older. I thought at 23, I would be working my dream job, in a serious relationship, and I wouldn't have days where I literally do nothing just because I can (one day off a week leads to relaxation and days spent in pajamas when possible). Some people are at that stage in their live where they are working their dream jobs and getting married and having kids. Everyone is different. What may be right for one is not right for all. Marriage is something I don't see in the next five years (maybe even the next ten) and kids, kids terrify me at the moment. That doesn't mean I'm not happy for my friends who are ready for one or both of those. I just know I'm not. I like living for myself at the moment and not having to be responsible for anyone else. I spent so long worrying about others and not putting myself first. I think this is making up for all those lost years on myself. Now I'm living for myself while I can and doing what I want. 

With that being said, the week before Christmas, my sister came and visited. We are some kind of stupid and some kind of insane, but some kind of adventurous. I was off Monday at 6PM. Then I had Tuesday and Wednesday off. So what did we do? We hopped in my car and drove to the Grand Canyon, 8 1/2 hours away. You know what, first, we didn't kill each other. Second, it was worth it, 100%. Seeing the Grand Canyon has been something I have wanted to do since I was a little kid watching the Brady Bunch. I'm happy to have finally made it. It may be a ginormous hole in the ground, but it is one of the most breathtaking ginormous holes in the ground. It's beautiful. We hiked a bit in the canyon, and despite it being below freezing, I actually took my winter coat off a few times and wasn't freezing. I haven't seen snow in over a year and a half and haven't been in temperatures below 38 since last January (and that was for a night and only five minutes outside a warm car). It was a nice taste of winter (the only one I need this year). Driving to the Grand Canyon with my sister is one of those adventures we'll always have, just like the trip to NYC for the first time. 

It was something fun that we made the choice to do because we are adults and our twenties are the years to go on these adventures. 

This trip also made me realize how much I am my parents' daughter. I've never really seen myself in them until more recently. I'm a great mixture of them, as different as they are. I'm happy to see that.

Anyways, 2015 is coming to a close which means I have 2 more days to finish the year off on a high note. I very much plan to do so. I don't know how yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something in the next 48 hours. 

Happy New Year, here's to seeing what adventures 2016 holds! (and how much more of an adult I become)

peace.love.happiness.

Am I a Functioning Adult... and a morning person?

At the beginning of this year, my New Year's Resolution was to become a functioning adult and to not sleep in so much. I'd say being a manager and staying on top of my responsibilities and paying my bills qualifies as a functioning adult. As for the sleeping in, I have become a morning person (except the last few days because I've been sick). For the most part, my I go to work at either 5 or 6 in the morning. That means I actually go to bed at a decent time (between 8 and 10). On my off days, I still wake up early without an alarm. 10 has become sleeping in to me instead of waking up early. 
New Year's Resolution 2015: check.

I haven't really put thought into my new year's resolution for 2016 yet. I've had a lot on my mind lately and am unsure of what this year will bring. Here's what I know: I will make it back to Massachusetts for Kim's wedding. I want to make it back for Christmas. I will find a job related to film or television. Three big things for 2016. I'm excited. 

2015 has been another eye opener. It brought many adventures from nights out that turned into the next day to day long adventures to making the most of every moment in one day to learning who some of your best friends are to being the bigger person to learning what is more important to learning value to learning to live. 

I work a lot. As a manager at Dunkin, I work 6 days a week every week (with the exception of the three day vacation I took to spend time with my dad and stepmom which still required my phone on). A fifty hour week is a "short" week. At 23, I didn't think I would be working 6 days a week all the time. When I took this position, I thought I knew what I was getting in to, but I didn't. I've adjusted to working 6 days. Sometimes, it sinks in that I get one day a week to myself. That means one day to do laundry, run errands, maybe hang out with friends. Sometimes, it's tiring. Then I realize, this is real life, isn't it? I used to think I was so tired and had so many things to do in college. I remember one of my professors laughing at me for thinking I would have so much more free time after college. In the "real world", you don't get a week off at Thanksgiving, five weeks for Christmas, and a three month summer. You can't just skip a day because you're tired or sick. There are things that need to get done that won't get done if you don't do them. There are people relying on you to make sure these things get done in a timely and efficient manner. Some days, I really want to go back to the college days. I miss my five weeks at Christmas and three month summer to do whatever. This is normal. 

In the adjustment from student to adult, I'm learning. A Lot. Whatever tomorrow has in store for me, I'll be ready. I come from a family of taking what life throws at you and overcoming struggles and being far away. Whatever tomorrow brings, I won't be waiting, I'll already be fighting it. Regardless of how tired I get and how many mornings that alarm goes off I just want to ignore it, I'll keep going because I can.

As usual, I don't know how I got from where I started to here, but welcome to my mind.It doesn't always make sense, but it has a plan that unfolds as it goes.

Anyways, I guess I should probably get to bed. Hopefully this cough will be gone tomorrow (day 9 and counting).

I'll be home for... wait, not this year.

Well, Thanksgiving has passed which means it is officially CHRISTMAS TIME!! YAY!

Yes, I am excited. I love decorating and listening to Christmas music and getting in the holiday spirit. I already decorated my Dunkin (which looks awesome by the way).

You see, being away from home this time of year isn't the easiest. Last year was the first Christmas away from home, and I tried to be strong for everyone and mainly look at it as just another couple days (Christmas Eve) because up until last year, I hadn't even been away for New Years. It wasn't bad last year. We facetimed, and I was surrounded by people here. But, as decorations start popping up and songs keep playing, I can't help but think of the traditions I'll be missing out on again at home. I miss my family. My favorite part about the holidays is being with them. I don't care about the presents, the food, the decorations. I care about the time spent together. My last Christmas at home was actually my favorite Christmas Eve/Christmas. I got to spend time with all of my immediate family on both sides. It was one of the first holiday seasons with little to no stress. It was all I could ever ask for. Growing up in a divorced home wasn't always the easiest on holidays because you're wanted in a couple different places (which is a good thing, looking back). There's only so much time in a day. Over the years, we came up with a plan that worked for everyone. That year, we had our routine down. That's all I ever wanted.

But here I am, 3,000 miles away and thinking about our traditions and how, even when it was stressful, at least we got to be together. I know it isn't easy for my family for me to be away. I know this doesn't help, but I just want to say I miss you guys and I'm sorry for missing out on the festivities and family time again. As hard as it is, know I will be okay. I love you.

No, I won't be home for Christmas this year, but I'll try for next year.

#adulting

Yes, I just used a hashtag in my blog post title. In all honesty, that's my theme lately. I'm 23 and becoming an adult, which I'm learning is an even more awkward phase than kid to teenager. Well, this time I'm a little more confident. 

As I write this, I'm listening to "Stone Cold" by Demi Lovato. It's her latest single. I'd suggest listening to the youtube version of her singing it live and raw. The vocals and emotion in it elicit emotion. This song perfectly sums up something I've been through recently. I won't go into too much detail, but essentially, I kinda liked one of my guy friends. Then he started dating someone. Then I realized we are better are good friends. He's someone I can trust and someone I value very much. This song just sums up that scenario. I am happy for him and support him. 

Things happen in life that don't always go to plan. Instead of resorting to typical teenage girl emotion, I chose to be mature and respectful. Sometimes things happen because it's not meant to be or whatever. I like to believe things happen for a reason. If I'm being honest, our friendship went to a new level once I let go. That speaks volumes in itself. Just like I would look out for my brothers, I look out for him. 

Recently, I was what you call in between apartments (aka homeless). No, I didn't live on the streets. One of my best friends let me stay with him. To have a friend who you've only met in the past year let you stay for a month is a great feeling. When I moved out here, I didn't know anyone. It was starting all over from a blank canvas. I had to create a life out here. For those of you know me, I'm a little shy and awkward when it comes to meeting people. Growing up, I always had siblings with me. Their friends where my friends and mine theirs. Then I moved out here. One year and (almost) three months later, a family has formed. I love my California family. 

The past couple years have been amazing and eye opening because I finally started to live for myself. I became more confident, especially in this past year. You can see it in the way I hold myself, hear it in the way I talk, and notice in the way I handle things. Slowly, but surely, I'm becoming the person I always wanted to be. Confidence is something I've struggled with because it's not always easy when you have two siblings the same age and grow up being compared to them in every aspect from smarts to appearance to athletic ability. I may not be the smartest, prettiest, or most athletic, but I'm happy with who I am. I may have some work to do, but, hey, I'm a work in progress. For this point in my life, that is exactly what I should be.

Ten years from now, these years are going to be memories. Ten years from now, I'll be able to look back and be proud of what I've accomplished and who I've become. My childhood formed me. My independence made me. As long as I stay true to myself, there is no reason to be disappointed or be full of regrets. These past couple years have shown me happiness, like the happiness I knew as a little kid before anything was wrong. 

Anyways, back to #adulting. In the past month, I've signed a lease with two roommates, bought a mattress, and am in the process of signing up for a retirement plan. I've chosen early bedtime over going out. I've fallen asleep by 9:30 multiple times. I struggle to stay up much past that (I know, who am I? Me, going to bed early? getting up early?) Like I said, I'm becoming an adult and being responsible. I work most mornings at 5am. I only go out on the night before my day off and/or the night before my late day. I know getting to work on time and being functional is sometimes more important than socializing and getting drunk. Working around food is not the best thing when you're hungover. With that being said, I'm learning the importance of having fun and making sure you do have adventures. If life is solely work, what's the point of working? I work to have a life. I don't have a life to work. 

I like where I am at right now. I like the transition I'm making. I'm proud of the person I've become in the past year. 

For everyone back home, come visit. Life is good out here, and I have a cute little apartment with room for guests!

Sending sunshine and warmth your way

and sending my love

peace.love.happiness.

This past month has been one of the most interesting months of my life so far. It's been a challenging one no doubt. It has tested me more than I would have liked to be tested. It was full of just about every emotion. But through it all, I made it and have learned more about myself than I have in a while. I proved to myself I can handle situations I didn't know I'd face. There were times I wanted to give up and just buy a flight back to massachusetts. I told myself I can't let one bad series of unfortunate things allow me to give up so easily.

I made it through the past month. I made things work. I figured things out and am proud of myself for that.
I'm happy to say I'm okay. I'm making that transition from dependent to independent. I'm becoming an adult.

To the Guest who couldn't try to Understand

Dear Guest,

Thank you for bringing to my attention what I already knew and was in the process of fixing. I am aware our lobby was dirty. I am aware it should be clean. If you truly were sitting there at a table enjoying our food and coffee for twenty minutes, you would have observed a line that did not end that filled our restaurant. Yes, we may have had 12 people scheduled (not twenty like you exaggerated), however, they were all busy and working hard. In case you didn't realize, we have been open for a short two and a half weeks. We are still incredibly busy. We are still learning. We are still making mistakes and fixing them. We are also exhausted as most of us work 5 or 6 days a week for 8-12 hours, and for me, up to 14. When you approached my crew members and so rudely complained without letting them respond and therefore called the manager (which happens to be me), you interrupted my cleaning the lobby and assigning crew members to certain tasks. I was aware we needed to sweep and wipe down the tables. I was also aware we needed to serve the guests in line as quickly and efficiently as possible. I can tell you right now, for the 47 minutes leading up to me getting called over, I did not have a chance to stand around and do nothing. I can tell you that as a fact because I had a text from my OM that I didn't see until 49 minutes after it was sent. I only checked my phone after you were done yelling at me. Thank you for bringing to my attention as to what I already knew. Thank you for being so kind as to not listen to me and instead disrupt my whole crew, all the guests, and force everyone to listen to your whiny, high pitched voice while stopping operations for a solid three minutes. I didn't know what you expected to get out of me other than an apology. Repeatedly saying, "This is unacceptable and inexcusable" does nothing. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to get to the lobby while we had a line filling the restaurant for four straight hours. I'm sorry I didn't really care what you had to say once I realized you didn't care what I had to say. I'm not sorry I didn't give you the reaction you were looking for as I was running on one hour of sleep after closing the night before just to come back in for a 5AM shift and another 12 hour one at that. No, we didn't have the cleanest lobby at the time, but don't come up to my crew, yell at them then yell at me, disrupt service and tell lies as well (like the trash cans overflowing which were a quarter full as I know from literally just being by one of them). I guess what I have to say is, thank you for giving my crew some comic relief as to how rude some people can be and obnoxious. If you really cared, you wouldn't have been an asshole (excuse my language).

Next time think before you speak. If you're not going to listen to me, then why should I listen to you?

Sincerely,
An exhausted manager who has done nothing but work, sleep, and eat (in that order) these past three weeks (and by work,  I mean I spent more time there than anywhere else in the past three weeks).

Facing Fears

Today marks one year since I made the move to California. Last July held a lot of emotions. I remember be so scared, but the excitement overtook everything. I didn't know what would happen or how I would be able to keep my head above water. I moved with next to nothing in my bank account and about to pick up a lot in student loans. There were a couple times I thought about buying a ticket back to Massachusetts and just make it a short trip. I fought the fears because I don't think you're really ever ready for anything. I came out here without a plan other than I wanted to make it work. For the most part, I have. 

One of my favorite quotes was said by Eleanor Roosevelt. She once said, "you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." She also said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." I think she was on to something. Those two quotes, I have followed the last few years. Moving out was something terrifying. Paying bills is also terrifying. Knowing that the money you make generally goes towards living kind of sucks at times. You know you have to be responsible. You see people you know who don't have to pay attention, and that is hard. Then again, if I have to choose a night at a club or a night at home watching a movie and drinking some tea or a $5 bottle of wine, I'd choose the latter (I can wear sweatpants). 
As for that second quote, I still believe in my dream. I know it doesn't always seem like it, but one of these days, I'll be in the director's chair. I'm just taking the scenic route. In the mean time, I haven't done so bad. I had a couple gigs in the beginning and some networking throughout the last year. I've also built a reputation working at the first Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles. In just a few short weeks, I'll be manager of the next one opening (which will be in Culver City). You know what? I'm excited. Dunkin has taught me customer service, routine, fixing mistakes, and management. There were a few times when I had to learn the difference between friend and coworker and friend and shift leader. Now I'm preparing to be manager and working on that. 

Life in Los Angeles is pretty great. I like having the option of going to the beach daily if I want. It's nice when I do go and am reminded of how beautiful this place is. I've been to a few different parks and found some great hiking. I've made friends who I hope I can introduce to people in Massachusetts and from Quinnipiac. My friends have taught me about living and remind me to enjoy myself every once in a while. I've been on day long adventures, last minute adventures, late night adventures. My life is an adventure. Some things have happened that I can't believe and others would make you think my life is a sitcom. Dunkin was a soap opera for a good three months. Throughout my first year in Los Angeles, I have made friends, lost friends, and made so many memories. I have lived. 

So here's to facing your fears and doing something for yourself (some may even say, to risking it all to start again) 

(and, here's to the next however many years in Califonia and my family who I left in Massachusetts, thank you for continuing to support me)

peace.love.happiness.

To Everyone Back Home

Well, it's officially July. This time a year ago, I was saying my goodbyes. I was 15 days away from making the biggest move of my life so far. I was 15 days away from the unknown. I didn't know where I was going, what I was going to do, or anything really. All I knew was, I was ready to start a new life, to chase my dreams. Well, I'm still chasing them.

To everyone back home who knows my potential and knows I'm not quite there, I'm telling you the same thing I was telling you a year ago, don't worry. I know I have disappointed some people. I know people want me to get a film job or a tv job. I do want those. The thing is, I'm not particularly unhappy where I am now. I know, I know. I didn't go to college and get a film degree to work at dunkin donuts and become a manager. On the plus side, I'm learning management. More importantly, I'm learning responsibility. I'm paying my bills (sometimes cutting it close), but I'm paying them. I'm surviving. I'm staying afloat. To me, that's more important right now. I'm proving to myself that I can do it. I know it's been almost a year. I know the longer you're out the harder it is to get back in. I'm working on it. Don't worry, I'm working on it.

I'm also working on myself. As most of the people closest to me know, my mental state wasn't always the best. I downplayed my mental state a lot when I was younger and probably should have been more proactive about it sooner. The thing is, I made the decision to work on myself and get better. This past year has been amazing in so many ways. For the first year in a while, I've had more happy days than depressed ones. That is something worth celebrating. For the first year in a while, I've focused on myself more than others. For the first year in a while, I've been confident.

So, no, I don't have an industry job. But, at least I have a job and am paying my bills. At least, I haven't given up. I know my journey is slow. I have a knack for taking the scenic route. However I get there, I'll know the journey was amazing. However I get there, I'll get there. Don't worry. For the first time, I'm saying that truthfully. Don't worry.

For now, just be happy I'm happy. That's what I am. I'm proud of what I've done in this past year. I'm proud of myself.

Home

Earlier this month, I made my first trip home since I moved out here. Although the week flew, it was a fantastic one. I tried to make it full of family and friends and dogs. I did. I got to see all my siblings (which almost didn't happen). The first night home, Meeka and Eddie didn't leave my side. Eddie snuggled up with me that first night (and pretty much whenever I was in Uxbridge for the night). I didn't make it to the Cape, but I will next time. Sometimes, a week is too short. It was. I knew that it would be, but that's life. You make the most of the time you have with the people who are around you. 
Here's a breakdown of my week home:

Tuesday night: I flew into Boston. I met my dad and stepmom at the airport. Sam surprised me there with her friend. From there, we went to Newton, had some grilled cheese. Then we were on our way to Uxbridge, made a detour to Margaritas and obviously margaritas were had. Then we made it to Uxbridge around 12:30 (midnight). We surprised my mom (I was supposed to stay in Newton that night). The dogs were ecstatic. Andrew got home, and we made quesadillas. 

Wednesday: I woke up and went to my physical appointment. I met Sam and Hanne at Little Coffee Bean for breakfast and coffee. After we went to Wright's dairy farm with Ashley. Then I had the joy of a dentist appointment. Afterwards, we went to Dairy Queen and had lunch. Off to Wrentham we went for a little shopping where a superbowl shirt was finally purchased. From Wrentham, we went to pick up my Grandmother. Back to Milford we went for dinner where Jeffrey met us at our dad's. Being together again was a great feeling. From there, we ended up at Dairy Queen again to meet up with Mom before I went to Grannie's for the night. Once at Grannie's, it was just the two of us. We caught up over Pimm's. 

Thursday: Grannie's birthday! We went out to lunch. We came back and had some more Pimm's with my Uncle and his work buddies who were painting. It was a nice afternoon. Back on the road again, I went to Olive Garden with Ashley, Kim, and Missy. It was just like old times. Back to Uxbridge I went. and a trip to walmart with Ashley and Andrew.

Friday: I hung around Uxbridge during the day and did a couple errands and grabbed Little Coffee Bean. I drove by the high school. Not much had changed other than bleachers added to the football field and track. Then I went home and got ready to go to Boston. I spent the night in Boston with Sarah and her friends for her birthday. We went to the bar at the liberty hotel. Then we made nachos when we got back (always a great drunk food). 

Saturday: From Boston, I drove to Lowell to meet up with Kim to go wedding dress shopping. She found a dress. I'll leave it at that. No spoilers. 
From Kim's, I went back to Uxbridge. This was also the day of stopping at four different Dunkins (also the only day I went). I headed to Franklin with my brothers and Ashley to celebrate Grannie's birthday. In Franklin, we met up with Dad and Ann-Marie and Grannie, Auntie Caryl, Uncle Mike, Uncle Rick, Aunt Karyn and Kylie and Thomas. It was a beautiful night out. More Pimm's were had, as well as some Indian food. We went out and saw the sunset. 
Then the goodbyes started again. 
Back to Uxbridge we went. 

Sunday: Mother's Day! We went out to breakfast with Mom and Uncle David to Bert's. From there, a trip to Little Coffee Bean. In the afternoon, after naps, we went to see Avengers and had some Red Robin. Later that night, we made eggplant parm and pa's chicken. Then we played some skip-bo. 

Monday: Little Coffee Bean.We had Papa Gino's for lunch (obviously had to get a buffalo chicken salad and cheesy breadsticks).  Later we made buffalo chicken for dinner. I started packing. At night, we played Gin Rummy. 

Tuesday: We went to Bert's with Ashley and Missy. I went to Little Coffee Bean and got my free coffee. Andrew bought us lunch. I said goodbye to the dogs. Off to Worcester we went where I said bye to Mom. Then we met up with Dad. We got new phones. Then Dad took me to the airport where we ate before I left. Just like that, a week had gone. We were right where we were 10 months before: me leaving, going through security, and trying to hold back tears. Then I made it back to Los Angeles. 

Leaving wasn't easy. I wish the trip was a little longer, but the leaving would have been the same. No matter how long I am home, leaving will always be hard, especially when you don't know when you'll be back. Coming out here, I knew that my life would become a series of goodbyes. I also knew, I didn't want to stay in Massachusetts. I wish the coasts were closer, but they aren't. At least this time when I left, I had a life I was coming back to. this time, I knew people and had a job, an apartment, and a car. Going home is hard, and accepting that I won't see family for a while is harder. I came across a saying once (I don't remember who said it or where I saw it), it goes along the lines of "Sometimes a little of something is worse than none of something." It makes sense. Seeing family for a short time is harder than not seeing them if that makes any sense. But it's worth it being harder. I'd rather see someone for a short period of time than none at all. 

Thank you for  great week home. I'll see when I see you.

just some lines

I like to write. Obviously.
The other night, I was up late. Since I was up late, my mind started coming up with lyrics. I haven't written those in a while. Here's the result of the late night songwriting

"It's 4 am and I'm up again thinking about you and me/ I know it's not the best idea/ but, hey, I've had worse/ There's something about you/ I don't why/ there's something about you keeping me from sleep/ thinking about what we could be/ maybe it's a long shot/ but i'm giving you all i've got/ (chorus) because when I saw you for the first time/ my heart started going crazy and my mind said start running fast/ you know this will never last/ I ran and ran and ran until I  couldn't any more/ my heart just knew you were worth staying for"

So far, that's all I've written. I'm not one to write love songs normally. No, it doesn't mean I'm in any type of relationship. It's just me being a girl who likes to write songs. I just really liked a couple of the lines I wrote. 

A verse of another song I'm working on goes like this

"Risk it all to start again, let chance become your friend, say goodbye to rainy days, sunshine and happiness headed your way"

once these are actually done, I'll post up the full song.

Demons

We all have demons that haunt us from various aspects of life. For each one of us, it changes. Sometimes, they hide. Sometimes, they're out in the open ready to fight. Sometimes, they just coexist in your life or take a nap for a considerable amount of time so you forget about them. Then they surprise you with a sneak attack. 

Tonight, as I was working and chatting with some coworkers, I started thinking. There are so many things I don't know about them and so many things they don't know about me. When I moved to California, I left a life behind that no one knows about here. They don't know the childhood stories or the college years. Essentially, when I moved, I had the chance to start over and only let people know what I wanted them to know. For example, being a triplet and having an older brother. Obviously I'm going to tell them those fun facts. Other things or events in my life, they may have no clue about. They don't know what I was like in high school or who I was. They don't know how much I've changed over the past few years. They don't know what I did or who I was. That's pretty cool when you think about it. 
Then I realized, I don't know those things about them either. We spend so much time together and yet have so many secrets, not even secrets, just stories and facts that haven't been told. We all have our own demons we've battled or are battling. We've all been to different places. We've had different experiences. It's cool, you know? They don't know my demons. They don't know things I'd rather not bring up. They've never seen me lose it or be in a fight with my sister over stupid things (like a soccer sock or a sweatshirt). They've never seen that side of me. 
For some reason, it just got me thinking earlier about demons and how we don't have to let them control our lives. There are things I left behind for reasons they'll never understand. There are people who I haven't seen in months because of the series of choices I've made. They'll never understand the mix of emotions I have going home for the first time since moving to California. Then again, no one really will. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm eager. I'm a mix of a lot of feelings. I know there will be two types of tears when I go home. There will be happy tears when I arrive and sad ones when I leave. I already know that. Going home will bring back memories of the childhood years. Memories people don't know here. Memories only my loved ones (family and friends) can relate to back home. My friends out here don't understand the town loop or snowdays or sliding down the slides in trashbags on rainy days or shoveling or breaking my leg (and the two months in a wheelchair following) or the scares of rushes to the emergency room and things like that. I'm not saying my memories are demons in any way. I'm not. 

I think the demons that I've dealt with are a little different than memories. Demons ranging from simple things like breaking my leg (and learning not to lie) to complicated things like my mental health and all the little lessons I've learned along the way that made me who I am now. Essentially, the people I know out here know who I've become but don't know the things that made who I am. And that's perfectly fine. Throughout time, they'll learn more about me, as I will about them, but only what we choose to tell one another. 

I like that concept. You get to start all over in a way and show them your highlight reel instead of the full feature. 
Life is a funny thing, isn't it? 

We all will go through life carrying our demons in some way. Who we choose and how we choose to tell and show our demons to says a lot. our demons can be some of our most sacred and vulnerable tidbits about ourselves. Sharing them with someone means they earned your trust and respect. It also means they no longer control you. they just helped to make you who you are. Let them in and you let them out.  

As one of my favorite songs goes "when you feel my heat, look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide...they say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate."
Your demons will always be a part of you, only those who truly see you will understand them and accept you for who you are, demons and all.

i guess I don't really know where I'm going with this topic. It was just a rambling that was sparked by a conversation. I guess what I'm trying to say are two three things.
First, those who accept your demons once they've earned your trust to know them are people who are worth keeping around.
Second, there will come times when demons you thought were gone will reappear,and maybe not in a bad way. Sometimes, they're just reminders of how far you've come.
Third, you can't run from your demons, you can only become stronger than them.

8 months (and 10 days)

Eight months and ten days ago, I took my one way flight to Los Angeles. As long as that seems written out, it has flown by. These past eight months have been a mix of just about every emotion possible. It has been a mix of testing myself and challenging myself to be the person I've always wanted to be. You see, these past eight months, I've become more myself than I've ever been. In these past eight months, I have slowly begun my adult life. 

When this year started, my New Year's Resolution was to become a functioning adult (and not sleep in so much). I believe I am becoming a functioning adult. I definitely have ways to go, but for once, I'm headed in the right direction. Was I ever headed in the wrong direction? Is that possible? I don't know. Yes, I still sleep in. In my defense, I work until midnight a few nights a week. I do wake up early at least once a week because I work at 7am once a week (it's a start). No, I haven't found a job in my field yet, but I'm making it work. I still enjoy my job and have fun. Most importantly, I'm happy. That's part of becoming a functioning adult, being happy and learning that your happiness is important and how to keep it. Working on yourself is important. I've finally figured out a balance in my mind. Now I'm working on balancing the rest of myself and my life. That includes cooking daily and being aware of what I'm putting into my body. I've been experimenting in the kitchen lately. Zucchini has become one of my staples. This week, I've been focusing on incorporating more meat into my meals instead of just the go to of pasta and vegetables. Steak is easy to cook and cheaper than I realized (i'm not going for fancy here). It's all about balance. Tonight, I made steak with zucchini (boiled) and roast potatoes (baked). The other night, I baked the zucchini. It's fun. I'm learning new ways to cook things. The easiest thing to make is a salad with some fresh lettuce and carrots (and a boiled egg). The nice thing about being in California is how fresh (and cheap) produce is out here. It makes eating healthy easy. I realized, why not take advantage of what I didn't always have back east? I remember being in Connecticut and not being able to find good produce at all. 

Although, not going to lie, I could really go for a trip to Wright's Bakery or Bert's or Acrop. I still have yet to find a good bakery, good breakfast place, or a good 24 hour diner out here. I guess I have some more exploring to do. 

I like having all these options in front of me though. Being able to go to the beach pretty much any day is my favorite thing. You can always count on it being cool enough for a nice walk or run along the water in the morning just to warm up at the end of the workout. The beach is still and always will be a happy place of mine (even if I get stung by a bee there). 

I guess, the main point of this post is simple: Life is good. I'm happy. I'm doing my best to make it work.

And, yes, I am looking forward to my first trip back to Massachusetts in May (6 weeks away).

Puzzle

For so many years (too many), I let people walk all over me. I spent so long trying to make other people happy, and by other, I mean everyone. It was all that encapsulated my mind. If someone around me wasn't happy, that was my responsibility to make them happy, to put the pieces back together. Every time I put someone else's pieces back together, one of my mine would fall off. Eventually, my pieces were scattered all over the place. 

It has taken me two years to put those pieces back together, but these two years have been two of the best years with some of the hardest moments in my life so far. 

Why am I telling you this? Certain things have presented themselves to me once again, but this time, I'm not letting my pieces be scattered everywhere. Two years ago, it would be a different story. I am so much stronger than I was then. Now, I know to take care of myself first and let go of things I can't change and to rid my life of toxic people. I know not to let little things get out of control. I know now to take care of a situation and actually confront it. I'm not here for everyone else. I'm here for me.

I'm not saying I won't be there for others or put other people's happiness first. I just won't put others first all the time anymore. I need to put myself first sometimes in order to stay whole, just like everyone else. 

Go ahead and pick up your pieces, put them back together with glue stronger than ever before.

Love and Be loved

"We gotta find a way to love again, while the words are still there ringing in our heads."

When I was a freshman in college (I think it was that year), I came across a band called Satellite. One song that always made me think and continues to make me think now, is the song "Say the Words". Maybe this song always stuck with me because I knew I wanted to say the words I could never say, but I never found the courage to say them. 
The line above repeats in the song multiple times. It is important. We out trust in other people when we start to love someone. It's not even that we love a person. It's so much more. In order to love a person, you open up a vulnerability. You break the walls you spent so long carefully and tediously building. When you love someone, you are putting yourself at risk of getting hurt. You trust that person not to hurt you.

Unfortunately, we don't live in a utopia where you love one person and only one person. The thing is, this applies in so many more aspects than just romantic relationships. It can happen in friendships and familial relationships. People hurt you throughout your life, and it does suck. You can't let them dictate the rest of your life and how you live it. Maybe, you'll learn to not wear your heart on your sleeve. Or maybe you'll learn to not build the walls so strong. Maybe, you'll learn the good about letting people in, or, perhaps, the bad. There's two sides to everything. There will always be a good and a bad. One day, you'll meet the people who make the good outweigh the bad in every possible way. These are the people worth sticking around and trusting. These are the people who will be there for you no matter what, no matter how far apart you are or what is going on that day. It won't matter if you just talked five minutes ago or five weeks ago or even longer. It will feel like you picked up where you left off. It will feel like you could talk hours on end with this person. You can sit comfortably in silence. You can be the craziest version of yourself. You can be the most disgusting version of yourself. You can be the dumbest version of yourself. You can be any and every version of yourself, and these people will still be by your side to love you unconditionally.

Those are the people who are worth making you love again. Those are the people who will help you to heal all those wounds from before. Those are the people who will make life worth it. 

I'm not saying you won't get hurt. I'm just saying, love is strange. When you love someone and get hurt, that guard naturally goes back up. It's our body's defense mechanism. There will come a day when you will never have to put that guard back up. There will come a time when you build a wall around your heart but without the moat, the drawbridge, and the crocodiles around that wall. Eventually, you will learn to love again.

As one of my favorite authors says, "A purpose of a human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." Love others, love yourself, and let others love you.

Just thought I'd put those words out there.

peace.love.happiness.

2015.

This is where I stand.

I stand up for myself.
For being myself.
For going after what I deserve.
And not accepting anything less.

This is where I stand.

To becoming an adult.
To finding a job in my field.
To doing what is best for me.
To being healthy.
To being responsible.

This is where I stand.

I'm 22.
I pay bills.
I pay loans.
I buy my own food.
I buy my own clothes.
I am growing up.

This is where I stand.

I'm becoming who I am.