8 months (and 10 days)

Eight months and ten days ago, I took my one way flight to Los Angeles. As long as that seems written out, it has flown by. These past eight months have been a mix of just about every emotion possible. It has been a mix of testing myself and challenging myself to be the person I've always wanted to be. You see, these past eight months, I've become more myself than I've ever been. In these past eight months, I have slowly begun my adult life. 

When this year started, my New Year's Resolution was to become a functioning adult (and not sleep in so much). I believe I am becoming a functioning adult. I definitely have ways to go, but for once, I'm headed in the right direction. Was I ever headed in the wrong direction? Is that possible? I don't know. Yes, I still sleep in. In my defense, I work until midnight a few nights a week. I do wake up early at least once a week because I work at 7am once a week (it's a start). No, I haven't found a job in my field yet, but I'm making it work. I still enjoy my job and have fun. Most importantly, I'm happy. That's part of becoming a functioning adult, being happy and learning that your happiness is important and how to keep it. Working on yourself is important. I've finally figured out a balance in my mind. Now I'm working on balancing the rest of myself and my life. That includes cooking daily and being aware of what I'm putting into my body. I've been experimenting in the kitchen lately. Zucchini has become one of my staples. This week, I've been focusing on incorporating more meat into my meals instead of just the go to of pasta and vegetables. Steak is easy to cook and cheaper than I realized (i'm not going for fancy here). It's all about balance. Tonight, I made steak with zucchini (boiled) and roast potatoes (baked). The other night, I baked the zucchini. It's fun. I'm learning new ways to cook things. The easiest thing to make is a salad with some fresh lettuce and carrots (and a boiled egg). The nice thing about being in California is how fresh (and cheap) produce is out here. It makes eating healthy easy. I realized, why not take advantage of what I didn't always have back east? I remember being in Connecticut and not being able to find good produce at all. 

Although, not going to lie, I could really go for a trip to Wright's Bakery or Bert's or Acrop. I still have yet to find a good bakery, good breakfast place, or a good 24 hour diner out here. I guess I have some more exploring to do. 

I like having all these options in front of me though. Being able to go to the beach pretty much any day is my favorite thing. You can always count on it being cool enough for a nice walk or run along the water in the morning just to warm up at the end of the workout. The beach is still and always will be a happy place of mine (even if I get stung by a bee there). 

I guess, the main point of this post is simple: Life is good. I'm happy. I'm doing my best to make it work.

And, yes, I am looking forward to my first trip back to Massachusetts in May (6 weeks away).

Puzzle

For so many years (too many), I let people walk all over me. I spent so long trying to make other people happy, and by other, I mean everyone. It was all that encapsulated my mind. If someone around me wasn't happy, that was my responsibility to make them happy, to put the pieces back together. Every time I put someone else's pieces back together, one of my mine would fall off. Eventually, my pieces were scattered all over the place. 

It has taken me two years to put those pieces back together, but these two years have been two of the best years with some of the hardest moments in my life so far. 

Why am I telling you this? Certain things have presented themselves to me once again, but this time, I'm not letting my pieces be scattered everywhere. Two years ago, it would be a different story. I am so much stronger than I was then. Now, I know to take care of myself first and let go of things I can't change and to rid my life of toxic people. I know not to let little things get out of control. I know now to take care of a situation and actually confront it. I'm not here for everyone else. I'm here for me.

I'm not saying I won't be there for others or put other people's happiness first. I just won't put others first all the time anymore. I need to put myself first sometimes in order to stay whole, just like everyone else. 

Go ahead and pick up your pieces, put them back together with glue stronger than ever before.

Love and Be loved

"We gotta find a way to love again, while the words are still there ringing in our heads."

When I was a freshman in college (I think it was that year), I came across a band called Satellite. One song that always made me think and continues to make me think now, is the song "Say the Words". Maybe this song always stuck with me because I knew I wanted to say the words I could never say, but I never found the courage to say them. 
The line above repeats in the song multiple times. It is important. We out trust in other people when we start to love someone. It's not even that we love a person. It's so much more. In order to love a person, you open up a vulnerability. You break the walls you spent so long carefully and tediously building. When you love someone, you are putting yourself at risk of getting hurt. You trust that person not to hurt you.

Unfortunately, we don't live in a utopia where you love one person and only one person. The thing is, this applies in so many more aspects than just romantic relationships. It can happen in friendships and familial relationships. People hurt you throughout your life, and it does suck. You can't let them dictate the rest of your life and how you live it. Maybe, you'll learn to not wear your heart on your sleeve. Or maybe you'll learn to not build the walls so strong. Maybe, you'll learn the good about letting people in, or, perhaps, the bad. There's two sides to everything. There will always be a good and a bad. One day, you'll meet the people who make the good outweigh the bad in every possible way. These are the people worth sticking around and trusting. These are the people who will be there for you no matter what, no matter how far apart you are or what is going on that day. It won't matter if you just talked five minutes ago or five weeks ago or even longer. It will feel like you picked up where you left off. It will feel like you could talk hours on end with this person. You can sit comfortably in silence. You can be the craziest version of yourself. You can be the most disgusting version of yourself. You can be the dumbest version of yourself. You can be any and every version of yourself, and these people will still be by your side to love you unconditionally.

Those are the people who are worth making you love again. Those are the people who will help you to heal all those wounds from before. Those are the people who will make life worth it. 

I'm not saying you won't get hurt. I'm just saying, love is strange. When you love someone and get hurt, that guard naturally goes back up. It's our body's defense mechanism. There will come a day when you will never have to put that guard back up. There will come a time when you build a wall around your heart but without the moat, the drawbridge, and the crocodiles around that wall. Eventually, you will learn to love again.

As one of my favorite authors says, "A purpose of a human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." Love others, love yourself, and let others love you.

Just thought I'd put those words out there.

peace.love.happiness.

2015.

This is where I stand.

I stand up for myself.
For being myself.
For going after what I deserve.
And not accepting anything less.

This is where I stand.

To becoming an adult.
To finding a job in my field.
To doing what is best for me.
To being healthy.
To being responsible.

This is where I stand.

I'm 22.
I pay bills.
I pay loans.
I buy my own food.
I buy my own clothes.
I am growing up.

This is where I stand.

I'm becoming who I am.

It's That Time of Year

Today is December 22nd. We are officially 3 days away from Christmas, three days away from my first Christmas away from home. It's weird not being at home, not decorating the tree, hoping Eddie doesn't knock it down as he tries to walk under the branches he doesn't fit under. It's weird thinking about how I'll miss Christmas Eve at Grannie's and the annual Copland cousin picture and hat game and almost falling asleep before we leave. It'll be weird missing breakfast at Dad's and opening presents there followed by heading back to Uxbridge and spending the afternoon with Mom and cooking. It's weird not trying to figure out where we'll be fro Christmas and what times we'll be everywhere. Last Christmas was definitely one of my favorites. It was rather stress free (which is not common). It involved a lot of cousin bonding. From Christmas Eve with the cousins on my dad's side to Christmas night with the cousins on my mom's side. Last year, we ended up in Leominster playing Cards Against Humanity and a game similar to Things laughing so hard. It was one of those Christmases I'll look back on year after year and just smile thinking about. 

The thing I'm learning this year is that it isn't important where everyone is, it's important that we still surround ourselves with the ones we love, even if not in person. I know this year will be full of phone calls and skype and snapchat. It will also be full of friends out here who are slowly becoming like family. 

As for my actual plans, they're still forming. I know I'll definitely get some sleep in.

It was nice last week. My sister and cousin were here for the week, and we did some exploring throughout southern California from San Diego to LA to Santa Barbara. We hiked and hung out. It was great. The hardest part is always the goodbye. Instead of me leaving five months ago, they left (oddly enough exactly five months after I moved out here .. 17th). 

Life is California is good. I'm enjoying it here and happy to say I've made quite a few new good friends. 

In case I don't post in the next few days, Merry Christmas. I send my love and best wishes back to the East Coast. 

Get ready for the New Year's post! 

peace.love.happiness.

Risk it All to Begin Again

Three days left of 2014. Three days until 2015. It's funny because I remember thinking five years ago, "How is it already 2010?" Here I am writing this thinking, "Where the hell did the last five years go?" Five years ago, I was 17, a senior in high school waiting to find out what schools would accept me. I was focusing on throwing shot put, how I was going to deal with not going to Hyannis with StuCo, how excited I was to drive on my own. I was listening to random pop music and that was about it and watching Hannah Montana, learning how to play guitar, finally putting music to my lyrics. I was blissfully unaware of what would happen come the next couple years. Five years ago, I couldn't even buy a scratch ticket yet. I didn't know what my future would hold, how many friendships would ultimately end and how many would begin. I didn't know how I would feel, if I would even make it to now. Somehow, I did. 2015, like 2010 seemed like a year of the future with flying cars and holograms and those weird future outfits that you always see in the movies. Here we are, three days away from 2015 and probably closer to those "futuristic things" than we realize. 

Wow. 

Now, I'm faced with the same questions I had back then about friendships and what my future will hold. The difference between now and then, so much. Five years ago, I was a people pleaser. Plain and simple. I didn't know how to say no or how to just be myself. I didn't know how to break a rule and was petrified of my own shadow. Five years ago was only a year into an awakening. Now, I'm happy. I live in the entertainment capitol of the world and am slowly making a life out here. Five years ago, I never saw myself here. I always thought I would end in Massachusetts forever, probably in Uxbridge because that's really all I've ever known. Uxbridge is one of those towns that is great to grow up in or raise in a family in, not so much for your twenties. When I was 17, I didn't know that. When I was 17, I was terrified of leaving, of starting over in college and making new friends because Uxbridge was our own little bubble. Slowly, I moved out of it into a bigger bubble. That was the best thing for me.

Now, let's take a look back at this year. Which, it feels like so much has happened in these last 12 months. I don't think I've ever grown so much in a year, it's kind of crazy. But here we go...

January, exciting things that happened included Sundance where I got spend a week in Utah with my best college friends and a couple cool professors and my boyfriend at the time. That last night there, ooph, we all got back from seeing our last films and just had fun. We played games, drank a bit, and laughed. A lot. It was a warm week there (well, warm for Utah in the winter). I saw ten films. White Bird in a Blizzard (now out on DVD), Listen Up Phillip, Infinitely Polar Bear, Young Ones, Alive Inside and so many more. Those were the best ones I saw.

We returned to school for our final college semester. 

February, well, that month wasn't the greatest. I do remember finding out kicking snow is one of the best stress relievers there is. You can't hurt yourself (unless ice, be careful of the ice) or others. Then we filmed for our senior capstone and continued that through April.

March, we filmed over spring break which I spent at home and just relaxed. I feel like something else happened in March, but I'm not really sure. Most of the month was filming and starting to put together our film. Oh, I remember now. It was the start of the end of my relationship. Which leads us to April.

April led to the breakup, which I was alright with. I initiated it. I found out, I'm just very independent. I like my space. There will be times when I just a need to be alone to sort things out in my mind and recharge. That's what I needed then. Later in April, we filmed the marathon which was rather warm day for April in Massachusetts. We got muffins from that bakery in Newton. Then we had hell week at the end of April. We weren't sure if our film was going to be done or not.

May, we did finish after spending May Weekend in the library editing. We finished. It was worth all the stress and sleepless nights when we screened it for the first time, which almost didn't happen because the sound didn't want to work. Luckily, it was just Echlin 101 being Echlin 101. It worked eventually. We cried. We answered questions. We went out afterwards and got drinks at Eli's. Then, we graduated. Graduation. It was the perfect day. It was sunny, warm, campus looked like a catalog picture. Then I watched Jeffrey's graduation online. Oh right, and I surprised my mom the day before graduation at Jeffrey's school (since we graduated the same day). Then we all went to Sam's graduation. It was official, all the Copland kids were done with college. Then, even more excitement, Sam, Jeffrey, and I went to England for the first time with our dad and stepmom and got to see relatives we see rarely. We played beach golf in Wittering, walked about 12 miles a day in London, hung out with family, saw some plays. (and Pimm's, lots of Pimm's) That leads us to June.

June, I booked my flight to California and braced myself for the next six weeks to see everyone I possibly could. Sarah and I went to Long Island for Amy's grad party. I got to see the land. I hung out with Ashley and Kim and Missy. And we went to Bert's. I slowly kept procrastinating on packing. We celebrated Andrew's birthday (I think we still have a birthday dinner to do though). I made it to the Cape.

July, we went to Bert's for our last breakfast together for while. We all went out for dinner at Il Camino. We had a dinner together at Grannie's once she was home. I started my goodbyes. Two nights before I left, we went to Grannie's, and I got there first so we could just have time together, which I really appreciated. The next day was the dinner at the Camino to remember my grandmother on the other side Babcia, as it marked 6 years since she passed, and it was one of her favorite restaurants. So my last two days were full of family and some of the hardest goodbyes. The following morning was Bert's with my best friends at home and Sam. That afternoon, I left. That was last time I saw Uxbridge and Massachusetts. In that first week here, my mom and I got me settled into my new apartment. 

August. I got a job at the first Dunkin out here. I turned 22. I started adjusting to the post college life.

September, I saw Demi in concert with Brianna. That's the main highlight of that month. Nope, I lied. We got into the Boston Film Festival, and our short film 26.2mi Closer to Living made it's first festival premiere, the same day I saw Demi in concert.

October, I saw Demi again with Brianna (for free). We were literally stage side. We dressed up at dunkin for Halloween and finally saw the lines going down. Slowly, it became slightly more normal. Still, more traffic than most Dunkins on the east coast because there were only 2 Dunkins at this point.

November, I got to see my Dad and Ann-Marie when they visited on their way to and from Hawaii. I booked my first flight back to Massachusetts (not saying when though). I spent my first big holiday away from home. I went to the beach because why not? 

December, this month has been alright. It's had its ups and downs. But, I learned. It was nice recently, with Christmas and being away, knowing how many people back home cared and sent their regards and warm wishes. Christmas was also spent on the beach like Thanksgiving. Sam and Kylie came to visit the week before, where we did a lot of traveling from LA to San Diego to Griffith Park to Arcadia to Santa Barbara. It was a week full of adventure that I really needed. Christmas Eve was spent with a couple of new friends at night where we saw some really pretty Christmas Lights. Christmas night was spent with one of my roommates. Our oh so fancy dinner was Mac n Cheese (shapes of course) and chili with some wine (really good wine from Trader Joe's). 

Now, we're making plan for New Years, which I think involves a casino on New Year's Day after work.

So, that was my year minus some random details and trips to Aunchies and making the most of the time I had left in college, and some emotional breakdowns realizing "real life" is now here and all that fun stuff.

With all that being said,

Here's to 2015. Whatever it may bring, I'm ready (well, maybe I'm not, but I'll sure act like I am). Here's to finding a job in my field and new friends and old friends and family and traveling and having opportunities to pick up and start anew, to risk it all to begin again.

Happy New Year!

peace.love.happiness.

Live.

Currently, I'm sitting on the couch with a full stomach. For that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for having parents who encouraged me to reach for the stars. I am thankful they also taught me how to cook. 

Today is my first holiday away from home, and I am okay. I am thankful to be here in Los Angeles. I am thankful to have been able to talk to my family these past two days even though they are in Massachusetts. I am thankful for being able to go to the beach today, to be able to have cooked a Thanksgiving meal on my own, to be able to watch this beautiful sunset today. I am thankful for my family and my friends. I am thankful to have people to care about on both coasts. I am thankful for having a family of friends on this coast. 

I am just thankful to be living, breathing, and being able to enjoy this life.

Happy Thanksgiving from my home to yours.