Riding the Waves part 2: songwriting

here you are again

tossing and turning

voices inside your head

keeping you up, not letting you sleep

going over every last detail

and every mistake you’ve ever made

that’s when you find out

you can be your own worst enemy

but darling look to the stars

that’s when you’ll see

something worth living for

i hope you know that you’re worth it

i hope you know that you’re loved

even on the darkest nights, storms a brewing

sunny skies are just above

so please just hold on

don’t give up the fight

it only gets better

you only get stronger

your future can be bright

if only you hold on, please hold on tonight

i hope you know that you’re worth it

i hope you know you are loved

even on the darkest nights

sunny skies are up above

it’s all about riding the wave through the storm we call life

sometimes, sometimes the waves are little

but sometimes, it’s a hurricane

so get your life jacket on

let’s put up a fight

don’t give up on yourself

you’re more than strong enough

but when life gets rough

please remember

you know that you are worth it

you know that you are loved

you know that you are tough

you know that life is good

Riding the Waves

A common theme in my life this year has been riding the waves. I've learned more about the balance and accepting that waves come. Sometimes, they are calm. Sometimes, they can be a hurricane. Regardless of what waves you go through, they must alway break. Sunny skies are just ahead. 

I was reading some of my posts from last year, specifically the end of the year ones. I had high hopes for this year, but by June, I was already ready for it to be 2018. Here we are, one month to go. Now I'm ready to enjoy the last month of this wavy year with my family. I've learned that some years aren't easy. Some like to really test you. However, I've learned all waves will break. For every rough patch, there's a calm sea. Every wave makes you stronger. I've managed to keep my head above water despite the tragedies, despite the unexpected, despite the tsunamis that crashed into me like bricks. There were times I definitely got knocked down, but here I am on my feet.
Looking back at this year, I don't know how I managed to grow more than I did in previous years. I don't know how the chain of events occurred or led to one another. I know this year was mainly rough and wavy, but there were a few good times. I can't let the waves make me forget those. I don't want to forget the waves either. Important people in my life are no longer here. They watch from above as we continue to navigate our way. They became our angels. Closure slowly begins to happen. They are always with us. 
it's funny (in an ironic way). Each time something bad happened, I thought to myself, "What's next?" Boy, did I learn to not ask myself that question again. Through each rough streak, I found myself surrounded by people who cared about me and wouldn't let me drown. In the past, I would easily let myself shut down to everyone else or just pretend nothing was wrong until I just broke. This time, I opened up. This time, i allowed myself to feel. I also challenged myself to remember the good and to embrace how the ones I loved, lived. They lived with adventure and wanted everyone around them to have a great time and a day/moment to remember. 
I'm reminded that days are not unlimited. I'm reminded that life is to be lived. Sometimes, you're hit by a wave you didn't see coming, and then you're repeatedly knocked down by the ones that follow while you still try to regain your footing. Don't be scared of those waves. Don't let them rule your life. If you're always scared of what's next, you won't be able to live in the moment. You won't be able to live your life in a way that results in happiness. 
I'm not saying, don't be upset or grieve. What I'm saying is don't let your grief or uncertainty control you. If I did that, I'd never leave my bed in the morning. I wouldn't have gone paddleboarding. I wouldn't have driven to Washington. I wouldn't have started working on films. I just wouldn't have. 
My life has been a series of waves in different aspects. As you know from previous posts, I have the fun things called anxiety and depression. With these two things, waves can easily turn into tsunamis. But, Through therapy, medication, and a good support system I've built throughout the years, I've ridden the waves from those and managed to keep most relatively small. This year especially, waves have been huge. Learning to ride those waves has been an important thing in my overall wellbeing. I've accepted them. I've reminded myself time after time that waves will break. Calmer seas are on the horizon. If you can get through one wave, you can get through the next. It might be a different beast. some waves come at you from both sides, some just pass through. Regardless, you survived. You rode the wave and made it to shore. 
Why am I sharing all of this? Does any of it make sense to you? I don't know. It makes sense in my mind. I hope by sharing more of how my brain operates might help someone else struggling through.

Through an outlet and upon recent events, i finally put words back into song. If you look at this post, you can read it. 

Up next: post of events from this year.

2017 has been a wavy year. I'm not setting up too much hope for a calm 2018, but I am ready to swim. 

Happy Thanksgiving

first off, Happy thanksgiving! 🦃

I guess this time of year is when we start the end of year reflection. Or at least I do anyway. This year has been one of the harder years in my life so far and the first year since 2008 I’ve really experienced loss. It’s been a year of up and downs and a few twists and turns and spirals. This year has taught how to ride the wave. With every up, there is a down. Every down is followed by an up. This year has challenged me unexpectedly with a few deaths of people (and pets) who are very important to me and my family. Being on the other side of the country was not the easiest thing and closure was hard to come by. Everything linked in some way. I’ve realized growing up entails growing through hard times and learning how to keep getting out of bed after something happens as your life feels like it is paused and everyone around is in fast forward. Eventually, you catch back up. Growing up means growing. It means coping. It means living through each wave. It means continuing to learn and continuing to take risks. I’ve learned you have to remain optimistic  but also allow yourself to grieve and to feel emotions. You can’t brush it under a rug. You have to deal with it. Grieving includes learning how to allow yourself to have Happy moments and enjoy the memories and not feel guilty for happy days shortly after a death.  I feel as though I’ve grown more this year than I have in recent years. 

When I started this post, I didn’t really know what I would write completely. How did I get from happy thanksgiving to here? Every challenge I’ve faced, every wave I’ve ridden have taught me how important it is to appreciate those around you. I’ve opened up where I haven’t before. I have let people in, and I have strengthened relationships with people who will be in my life for years to come. I am thankful to have the time I have to spend with my family (immediate and extended), my friends, and my dog. Really, those are all the same; they’re all family. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my life and those in it.

A happy pill

Unless you're living in the world of no social media, I'm sure you've heard of Chester Bennington's death by suicide. Every time there is a celebrity suicide, it's all over the news. People talk about it for a day and then move forward with their lives. But then there's people who can't shake it. Why? Suicide and mental Heath are touchy subjects. People don't want to bring in it up in fear of judgement or maybe glorifying it. This is a conversation that needs to happen. We need to talk. We need to destigmatize suicide (and mental health related illnesses). Maybe if there wasn't such a stigma, people wouldn't feel so ashamed admitting they want to take their own life or don't have a will to live anymore. The problem is, for those saying he had so much going for him or what about all his fans and those who loved him? You think he didn't think about them? Wrong. When a person is suicidal, they don't think about who loves them as much or cares about them or what could happen. There's a pain larger and stronger than anything else. There's a voice that can never be silenced. Or so it seems at the time. If we could start the conversation, maybe it would be easier to learn how to support someone feeling this way instead of changing the subject or staying quiet. 

And even in treatment of mental illnesses, we need to destigmatize it. I'm not saying medication is right for everyone. I'm not saying it's easy to make the choice to begin medication or that it will fix everything all of a sudden. We need to stop thinking medication isn't an option. I may be lucky because when I went on medication for depression and anxiety, we got the right mix on the second try. Some people take longer to find the right mix. All I'm saying is, medication has helped me live a "normal" life. When I began medication 4 1/2 years ago, I literally told my college roommates, I'm taking happy pills. I made a joke because I didn't want it to be awkward or for them to not know what to say. Medication has helped me avoid the above. Medication has helped me get out of bed. Medication hasn't put me in a fog or made me feel not myself. My brain is wired differently. I'm not ashamed of that. Me taking my daily dose is like someone taking insulin. 
Although this isn't easy for me to share with everyone or to bring up often, it's important for conversations like these to be started. It's important for people to know life can turn around. It's important for people to know it's perfectly fine to reach out for help. To start medication, to start therapy, to admit they don't have the will or strength in them to keep going, to continue to survive. It's important we don't let this conversation end tomorrow. It's important we continue to destigmatize mental health and not be afraid to bring up different topics and subjects in normal conversation, in television, in movies, in books. It's important to know you're not alone and you're not the only one. 

Life can turn around and be a beautiful thing. Stick around to see it blossom and to learn to appreciate the waves.

Peace.love.happiness.

the world keeps turning

I think it's important to remember the sun rises and the sun sets every day. If you can remember those two things, you can remember no matter what happens, life continues. All the good, all the bad. Each day is  an opportunity to start again. It holds the possibility to have tragic days and glorious days. There will be sunsets you can't wait for because the day has been too hard or maybe the week or month. But you need to remember the beauty in each day and each sunrise. No matter what happens, the world revolving, and we keep going.
This week is a particularly interesting week. Today marks two months since Uncle David passed away unexpectedly. Tomorrow marks nine years since Babcia passed away, and Monday marks three years since I made the move to Los Angeles. To think back two months to three years to nine years, I can tell you each time I couldn't wait for the sun to set, I always saw the sun rise the following day. For each time I wished the sunset could be delayed, it set. Life is a balance. When you can't wait for the sun to set, you need to remember those days you wished it would never set or those day you were too excited for the next sunrise.
Every bad day or week you've ever had, you have survived. Every good day has proven that good days and moments will always lie ahead. Reflecting over these few days, I've found I'm not the same I was 9 years ago, 3 years ago, and barely even two months ago. I've found strength where I've struggled before. I found comfort in remembering. I've found confidence facing the unknown. I know life can be dark, I know life can be bright. I know the two will always go together because they make you appreciate and recognize one another.

Remember, the world will keep in turning. Embrace the sunrise and the sunset each day.

Progress

We're all caught up in each other's lives, we forgot to live our own lives.

Every day, we wake up and look at our phones. If you're like me and set your alarm to the last possible minute, you probably skip the social media scroll. On the days with no alarm

Or a delayed waking up because I don't go to work at 5, you end up starting your day with Facebook and Twitter and probably snapchat and Instagram. We've become obsessed with seeing what everyone else is doing and either being mad because they're doing better than us or happy we're doing better than them. We scroll through our Facebook and Instagram feeds and roll our eyes at the ones complaining about everything, like the latest engagement or pregnancy, and get caught up in the latest political argument. We edit picture posts to make ourselves look that best or if we are a little insecure, put a funny face up instead of the generic smile. But when did we become so concerned with letting people know every bit of our lives or judge how much people accept what we're doing by "likes"? We seek every bit of approval, from anywhere, regardless if its approval of our happiness or approval of our complaint. We scroll past the latest news stories, most sad or videos of things happening thousands of miles away that we have no control over that show homeless people or the latest rebel or the war we can't stop. We see posts that start with TW (trigger warning) because we can't stand to see something that might offend us because we've been coddled or think we deserve to live in a sheltered world from anything evil and need a safe space for everything. (Disclaimer, safe spaces are good for things like people praying or for privacy, but trigger warnings for day to day things, not so much. We like to control others more than we should)

We've become an overly sensitive, overly validated, overly argumentative society without trying to. Sometimes I think we share too much online, yet here I am writing a blog. Sometimes I think we need a break from social media and need to learn to take down the filter of our lives and just live our own lives. With social media, we no longer have a break from the outside world. With email on our phones, we no longer have a break from work. With the overwhelming sense of being watched or that people are lurking around the corner waiting to wreak havoc and chaos, we no longer feel safe to do the things we once did, like play outside or let kids play outside by themselves or go somewhere within a phone because you don't know what might happen. 

With all our sensitivity, we still don't teach do no harm, we teach how not to get harmed or what to do if something happens. Bejng prepared isn't bad, but how many people do you know who have pepper spray or know how to hold their keys in their hand as a weapon just in case? 

This post went in a few different directions (thank you stream of consciousness.. Also people don't know how to spell things anymore and phones just enable that more than they should), but my overall point is let's stop being so obsessed with everyone else's lives and opinions and stop comparing where we're at in life compared to others. Let's turn back the dial a bit on technology and take a break from looking at a screen all day and start getting outside more (germs build

Immunity). I think it's time we take a few lessons from 20 years ago.

It's time to regress in technology and progress in society. We need to evolve our generations and fix ourselves as a whole and be more open minded in regards to seeing both sides and take a lesson from when we were 5 and work together. 

Dear Men

let me start off by saying, yes, I am a feminist, but not the type who hates men. I respect a lot of men, but those who give a reason for it. The ones I don't respect are the ones who don't respect me back. Let me tell you, that list tends to grow day by day unfortunately. It seems that men (just for times sake, I really mean some men, not all when I say men) don't quite get when they're being a little too friendly or a little too blunt.
For example, today we had a repair man come in at work. He started off by calling me "dear". I am not your dear. As soon as you said that, you already put me underneath you. You already took away any respect and any power I have because that term can kind of belittle someone. Same with sweetie, honey, lovely, babe etc. next, he proceeded to over explain where the leak was coming from, literally telling me the same thing 7 times (at least) without me even asking. I told him okay, I see it. I got it. Not, please tell me again the same thing over and over when I have a store to run. Then when I offered him coffee, it was like, oh, now's my chance to flirt. No. I run a coffee shop. Every tech/repair / or whatever service based job it is to work on the store in some way gets the same offer.
Later on in the night, a guest came up to the window and literally said, hi lovely.
He was twice my age at least and I wasn't even at the order window, I was at the pick up window.. Which no, is not to pick someone up.

I'm tired of being nice and that being taken as flirting. I'm tired of smiling and that being taken as flirting. I'm tired of being called dear it sweetie or baby or honey by men I don't know who, 75% of the time, are twice my age. You are not my boyfriend, family, close friend, or even someone I know. Stop. Would you want some complete stranger calling your daughter honey or sweetie or baby or lovely? Would you want your daughter feeling uncomfortable knowing she was just checked out by some stranger and they didn't even try to hide it? Or when a girl goes out, and a guy just keeps trying even after the girl says no or that she's in a relationship or makes up something. The fact that we have to lie just to get you to go away is stupid in itself. Or when you have to pull the shade down at work because men are staring at your female employees while they bend down or stretch to get donuts or whatever and make them so uncomfortable, you literally have them stay in the back for a bit while you send a guy on register to shoo the creepers away.
I understand we currently have a misogynist as our president, but come on. Get a clue and keep your comments to yourself. Just because you are a man doesn't give you the right to treat women as objects and keep trying after they've said no or just call women terms of endearment when you don't know them or even if you do. It's just as bad when you work with them because all respect goes out the window. Just by calling someone "sweetie" in a work environment, you're asserting your dominance. The worst part is women have just learned to shrug it off because why are we making a big deal, we should be flattered. No. Change your way of thinking.
It's not fair when you're just as strong or independent as your counterpart, but you have to double check when you go outside at night that no ones around or that you walk outside in a safe area and you still have to be alert.

Guys, you're not all bad, but if you have a friend you know is like one described above, talk to him because you know women deserve respect (just like men). You don't talk to your sister, your mom, your grandmother that way, don't talk to a complete stranger that way.
It's already hard enough being a girl. Don't make it harder.

That concludes my rant. Normally I just shrug it off, but sometimes you have to speak up. I enjoy being independent and strong, but I'm reminded more and more these days that I am a girl, and I only fear it will get worse as Trump gets more comfortable in his presidency and becomes more of misogynist than he already is.

Meeka.

If you want the truth, I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. Two days ago, we were faced with a difficult choice; to put down our almost 12 year old Meeka or to let her die at home on her own. We chose to put her down, as she would only get worse and she could barely walk already. Meeka isn't just a dog to me or my family. She is part of the family and has been since Easter of March 2005 (the 26th to be exact is the day she came to live with us). I was 12 years old. Half of a lifetime has been filled with moments and memories I'll always cherish. Meeks helped me get over my fear of thunderstorms. No matter how many times I left or how long I left, she always greeted me with a wagging tail and wouldn't leave my side. My little queen. I'm sorry I didn't get to say bye in person or be there for your final moments. I'm sorry my goodbye was only over the phone but am happy you recognized my voice when we put the phone to your ear that night. Meeka, I couldn't have asked for a better dog to take up my childhood and growing years. You were there when I had knee surgery, you were there on some of the hardest days, you were there for the happy ones too. From the times you got out and just casually walked yourself but came running back (using the crosswalk might I add) when we called, to the time you ran so fast we couldn't see your legs, to the time we found you under the basement stairs covered in cobwebs, to the time you started lifting your leg when we scratched your hip, to the times you slept on the couch as I slept on the floor, to the times you stayed by my side during a storm, to the times you would listen when I was upset, to the times you'd let me actually pick you up, to chasing bugs and catching them on occasion, to blending into the floor, to always being happy when we were home. I love you my little queen. Just because I have Dottie doesn't mean I'm replacing you. A new dog never replaces an old dog, it only expands your heart. She has helped me cope with losing you, Meeka. You will never be replaced, you will always hold a piece of my heart. I love you. Thank you.
Enjoy thyour unlimited sunbathing and comfy blankets, Meeka.

1/29/05-1/11/17

Dear 2016?

Dear 2016, 

First and foremost, thank you for being a year of growth and learning and a roller coaster. Thank you for keeping us on our toes. 


There are four days left of 2016. For many, it has been a year that would be best forgotten. Some of us are being too quick to jump on that bandwagon. Sure, 2016 has been a hell of a year with celebrity icon deaths, an election that has put this country at a divide and awoken us to things we didn't realize were still problems (or maybe, it's not that we didn't realize, we just didn't notice how bad they were still), and what else happened? I don't know. I do know that this year will always be remembered for the election, maybe not the celebrity deaths though. 2016 will be remembered as just a normal, nothing to special year. 
Regardless of all the bad things that have happened or how awful the whole year seemed to you, did you ever stop to break it down? Was 2016 truly all bad? Every single day, every moment? Probably not. I can tell you 2016 hasn't been an easy one. As stated in my previous post, it has definitely been a roller coaster year. I can tell you that the good and the bad are about even. I watched my best friend walk down the aisle this year and got to be a part of her special day. I got to be asked to be in another best friend's wedding this upcoming spring. I got to see my family up in Seattle and see my cousin get married.  I saw many other childhood friends get engaged or become pregnant. That is something worth celebrating. I've seen people adopt dogs (myself included) and seen people buy their first cars and get promotions at work or get that job they've dreamed of for a while. I've seen friendships grow and relationships and work relationships grow. I've seen people grow (myself included). 
I won't lie to you, I've seen some bad too. We've had misdiagnoses and family scares, we've had deaths, we've had heartbreak. We've had hopes crushed and solemn realizations.

If every year is fantastic, then how do we know when we've had a really good year versus a so-so year. I think we need the so-so years to remind us of the good and to make us appreciate the years that stand out. For me, 2013 will always stand out as the year I started living for myself and taking risks. I think we all have those years that will always remind us of the good years full of huge things.

The thing is, with everything good that 2016 has brought us, i refuse to let the bad outweigh the good. I've grown in ways I didn't realize  would grow this year. I may have helped save a life. I was on the other side of a difficult conversation paying it forward to remind someone that this year may not be their year, and a lot of bad can happen, but you're still here for a reason.
2016 has brought me Dottie. It took me home twice. It got me my first Christmas tree (that wasn't the family tree). It gave me a new store opportunity. It also had difficult moments and lessons ready to be learned (including how to accept the outcome of an election). I learned how being away for holidays can be difficult, but you can still have a good holiday away from home. Dottie and I went to the beach, shared a hot dog on a stick, and then Dottie had an ice cream cone, and we just relaxed and watched a couple movies on Christmas. No, it wasn't full of tradition (I use that term loosely), but it wasn't planned around anyone else's schedule either. We got to just go with the flow and see how the day turned out. It was a nice quiet Christmas.

Maybe it's recent events that put things into perspective to me, but start thinking about the highlights of 2016 and the good moments. Don't forget the bad, but don't dwell on them either. In the end, a year is just a year. It's a collection of 365 (in this case, 366) days, but the only thing that separates it from the next is the number we choose to use. Take everything in stride. Count your blessings by days, not by years. 

Please, as we end this week, remember the good moments and bring that energy into next week as we begin 2017. For those who want to look at forgetting 2016 completely, start out 2017 on a positive note, so you won't want to forget it. 
On a complete side note, am I the only one freaked out that it's already 2017? When did that happen? The graduating high school class is the last class born in the 90s. WHAT? Time is a very odd concept and always boggles my mind. I'm at that awkward stage in life where I feel old but young at the same time. I'm pretty much halfway to 50, but I'm also still getting my life together. It's that age where you're like, I pay all my bills and have a full time job and am a responsible adult, but then you also will call your parents whenever something is wrong or breaks or just appreciating how they never ran out of stuff while you were a kid or how there was always food or even toilet paper. It's keeping track of all that random stuff.
 Half of my friends are settling down. The other half are still going hard every weekend. Then there's me, in bed by 9, 10 at the latest almost every night being a dog mom and enjoying every moment of that and realizing, I'm good with a dog and can't even imagine being engaged/married or having kids. It's a weird age, but I'm enjoying every moment of it and living my life. 

Anyways, got a little off topic. Back to the new year.

My challenge for you is to write down the good moments you have throughout 2017 so when you get to the end of 2017, you can see all the good that occurred.

2016, I thank you for every bit of growth I have earned and for every lesson taught.

Sincerely,
Lisa

P.S. Happy New Year and be safe!

What a year!

in some ways, not much happened this year. In others, everything did. I didn't think I'd grow too much this year, but I think I grew more than I thought I would. I took a big step and adopted Dottie, my little boxer Boston terrier mutt and am so glad I did. She's brought so much happiness and fun and adventure into my life this year. And she's a little space heater when she curls up under the blankets. She is most definitely spoiled and many refer to her as my kid. She basically is. From adopting a dog to traveling home for weddings and minor family things to growing as manager to managing time between work and play to relationships with friends on different levels to opening up and realizing there was nothing to fear to trusting a little more but learning not to trust too much to friendships falling apart and friendships falling together to working on myself to going to my first boxing class to surviving. This year has not been the best overall, but it has had some pretty damn good moments. Weddings, adventures, respinsibilities, tough but necessary conversations, big decisions, buying my first queen size mattress. It's the good moments to hold onto. Family, friends. Taking the opportunity when you get it. Accepting defeat and moving on. Accepting mistakes and letting go. Making decisions, not just on impulse. 

2016, you've been a roller coaster year, and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

Little Accomplishments

There are days when it's a little more difficult than I'd like to admit to get things done. I'm not talking about your typical, I'm just lazy and don't want to do it, can't get things done, procrastination type mood. I'm talking, you physically and mentally do not have the energy to do something. It's hard to understand from an outsider's point of view. For a while, it was hard to understand myself. 

You see, I have a couple things wrong with my mind. When I say wrong, I don't really mean wrong, I mean different, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. Now for those of you I haven't told, don't worry, it's not that bad. For those of you who do know, well here's more insight to what it's like inside my mind (and if you have any questions, i'll be happy to answer them for you, but don't think of me differently. I'm the same person you've known forever). For the past eight years, I have been struggling living with depression and anxiety. The past three have been more living than struggling. 

With both of these diseases, it's a very interesting conversation in my mind. Depression is like telling you there's a whole bunch of things to do, but you don't have any energy to do it and it's not going to matter anyway. It's like that "I'm running on a full night's sleep and how could my alarm possibly be going off already" attempting to get out of bed and how could you possibly be this tired still. Anxiety tells you that you have all these things to do but have no idea where to start because it's a long list. To put in every day life, it's like today. I celebrate the little accomplishments in life. Today was a productive day. I woke up, I walked Dottie. My roommate and I cooked breakfast. Then we went out, voted, did laundry, and ran some errands, then came home and cleaned up the breakfast dishes. To most, that sounds like a normal day. For me, well, that laundry has been piling up for 3 weeks. Cooking breakfast meant using extra energy to make food. Dishes tend to pile up, but doing them the same day is a win. Errands like buying toilet paper, although simple, require effort that I don't always have the energy for because it means getting dressed, putting on shoes, leaving the apartment, driving somewhere, buying the items, then coming back, taking the shoes off.(My mind breaks things off into steps which then makes it even more overwhelming) It's knowing you'll feel better once things are done, but not having enough energy to even care about that. 

A depressed mind is like a battery. You only have so much energy you can exert before you need to recharge. It's why I rarely make plans on my day off. I use it to recharge, sleep in, and attempt chores. I use it to literally recharge and do as little as possible because I know if I don't, I won't have the chance for another six or seven days. When an appliance is overused, it overheats and doesn't work well. When a mind is overused, it shut downs and you just go through the motions. You have to choose what to use your little amount of energy left on and when. For me, that means putting all my energy into work and coming home and sleeping. Maybe I'll cook something easy, or maybe I'll order out because I don't have the energy for the prepping or cooking or cleaning. Maybe i'll just throw something in the microwave because even going outside to get the food just seems like too much. When I do cook or when I do clean or when I do laundry or any little task (like finally cleaning out my car last week), it's something I feel good about. i feel better, I feel accomplished. When you wake up in the morning, you choose to let your illness win or to fight it. I choose to fight. I will always choose to fight because I won't let it defeat me.

A depressed mind does not mean you can't be happy. Actually, you can have quite a lot of happy days, and you learn to appreciate those a lot more than when you don't know what it's like to have a low day. You also learn how to manage, even if that means putting everything aside and sleeping all day even though there is a pile of things to do. Managing mental health is like climbing a mountain when all you can see is the steep hill on top, but then you get to the top and see all things beautiful. Then you realize you still have the hike down full of rocks and hills and steepness you really have to be careful to not slide down. It's understanding there will always be ups and downs but being ready to take them on head on because you have to be up for the challenge. It's going to exhaust you, but when you get to the top, every single time, it never ceases to amaze you how far you've come and how beautiful things are.  

Days like today are good. I celebrate the little wins because, to me, those are big. Surviving out here in California and living and paying my bills and staying on top of things is one of my proudest accomplishments because I didn't know how it was going to play out with my mental health. I know these are difficult conversations to have, but sometimes it's needed to have an open conversation. I know the stigma with it very well, it's why I've told so few people. But I'm a place in my life where it's fine if people know because it shouldn't affect how you see me. I also want people to know it's okay to be vocal. 
Living with depression isn't as bad as people think it is. With the right help, treatment, and support, it's very possible to live a close to normal life (what is normal anyway?). Having depression has taught me valuable lessons like enjoying the little things and to not be so quick to judge. Having a mental illness doesn't mean you're crazy. It's just a thing you have. You learn to control it and living gets a little easier. That's what I've been doing the last few years. Moving to California was to help my career, but it was also a new start. California was the first time I was truly happy for an extended period of time and had  a "break" from my depression when I first visited. That's how I knew it was the right place for me.

For me, Dottie is my little helper. She is an emotional support animal (which pretty much means my dog was prescribed to me). She makes my days better and is a little happy boost always by my side. On bad days, she's there with a wagging tail and ready to snuggle and just stay by my side. I could not more thankful to have a dog.  

My challenge to you is to celebrate the little accomplishments daily. It may not seem like much, but, trust me, it's better. 

new beginnings

It's rather odd to think that your life can change in a matter of months, how it almost feels like years have passed in just a few months. People even. They change too. Some people who you used to  spend most of your free time with aren't even in your life anymore. How do these things happen? How is it that people you were so close to, could tell everything to, don't even know what you're doing or haven't even met your dog? A quote keeps playing in the back of my mind, "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." 

I guess life has a plan. We keep going, but we learn. Each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a long time because that's just how it is. The lessons we learn from them keep coming. They are the ones who will always be there, just like you will be for them. Those are the people who become family. Then, there are others who come into your life briefly to teach you a valuable life lesson. Maybe it's to be careful who you trust, or to test your values, or to have some fun. Thanks for teaching me to be happy with myself and to never settle. Thanks for teaching me to not pretend to be something else or think about doing something I would never do in a million years. 

It's just funny how much life has changed, yet how much it hasn't at the same time. Here I sit on my bed with my dog resting her head on the keyboard as I type, and my punching bag and GLoves are on the floor next to me. two of those things weren't here the last time we spoke. 

just an FYI, i still like to look back on the good moments like bowling or the last nights we hung out. i choose to remember the good, learn from the bad, and let those moments go once the lesson has been learned because holding on won't get me anywhere. We made those decisions. no regrets will ever be had about how our friendships came to be or how they drifted apart. I only wish the best for you, for all the people who have fallen out my life, whether on good terms or bad. May our lives become not only what we want, but what we need, and maybe, just maybe, we'll meet again one day. If it's meant to be, it will.

Here's to finding new paths and to a lifetime of adventures and new beginnings (and endings).

peace.love.happiness.

Work Hard.

Song of the night: "The Girl You Think I Am" by Carrie Underwood

"I've got my faults and I've got regrets, and I know there's more on the road ahead. When I wonder if I'll ever measure up, oh I thank God for a father's love." 

I recently came across this song, and it's all I've been listening tonight. It's a song that reminds me why I became a fan of Carrie Underwood in the first place. Not only can she sing, she can write and tell a story through her songs. 

Anyways, I guess I've been at a bit of a crossroads lately. Graduation pictures are filling my newsfeed on facebook. It's a reminder that two years have passed already. Where am I? Not exactly where I thought I would be. I'm not complaining. I am happy to have a job that pays my bills, but now I'm ready. I just want to be back on set and planning and in the entertainment industry. There's an itch in me that keeps telling me it's time. It's time to do what I've come here to do. 


So, if you're reading this and know of any positions, please let me know. :) 
Here goes putting that degree to use, and here begins the application process. It's more than worth it. 

Random thought on my mind lately: People tend to think that my generation (the millennials) is a lazy generation. Yes, there are some people who are lazy, but that goes for every generation. There are many people my age who I know who work like crazy. If you want some perspective, for the past year, i have been working 6 days a week every week (which is anywhere from 55 to 70 hours a week). I have taken 3 additional days off (all of which I still had my phone on in case something happened .. which did), and I left early twice because 1)I was sick for over two weeks and 2) because I hurt my back one time from falling down the stairs (and that was only two hours early). In a year, I have been off 55 days doing a job that isn't in my field or putting my degree to use. On top of that, I pay my bills every month. i am not a "trust fund" baby. I know in time, this will all pay off. In the meantime, 60 hour weeks are sticking around.My story is just one of many. So many people work hard and crazy hours to make a living. Just because it isn't a major field or anything doesn't mean they are lazy. Even if it is a field they went to school for, people still work so much because you have to. 

With elections coming up quickly, it seems people don't support certain candidates because the lazy millennials support him. Just remember, there are plenty of millenials and other generations who work incredibly hard for little. There are plenty who don't, but it's not just my generation, it's across the board.
 (No, I'm not saying who i'm voting for by the way because I still don't know.)
Just a little something that took up my car thoughts the last couple of days. Driving in Los Angeles is a great time to think.  For me, working as much as I do, I can't wait to put those hours into a job I fully love.

As it is getting closer and closer to 10PM, I think it is time for bed. 
Dottie is currently on the floor next to my bed waiting for me to say it's time for bed. She is definitely one of the best decisions I have made in a while. Dogs just make life better. She is my companion. It makes me so happy when I come home to wagging tail and happy smile after a long day (or a good day) at work. She snuggles every night. 

Life is about to get interesting, time for some changes.

peace.love.happiness.

Awakening

Today's topic: Realizing things that happened in your past can affect your future.

As most of you know, my parents are divorced. I didn't grow up with parents together showing affection or what love is supposed to look like. That's the way it is. I'm not mad at parents for that. I would much rather the way we grew up than being part of a family that listens to fighting on a daily basis. Regardless of where you go, how you handled it then, and how much time goes on, divorce will affect you in ways you didn't realize until occasions arise. I've seen love work between two people, and I've seen how it can die almost as quick as it begins. That is a part of life. I know I've always been scared of relationships. Yes, it probably does have something to do with the divorce, but at least I can recognize it now. It also has to do with my generation. Dating isn't the same as it was even twenty years ago. I know dating and relationships are for some people. I have a couple best friends in committed relationships who will be getting married this year and next. I know it works. The thing with love is, it's different for everyone. You can know someone for a month or a decade. The ones together for a month have just as good a chance at being together "forever" as the ones who have known each other for a decade. They also have the same chance of breaking up. You could think two people are perfect for each other only to watch that candle quickly burn out. 
Relationships are funny. I know I'm not a good relationship person (I know, I've just had soooo much experience with them). I'm clingy but need space. One day I want to do nothing but everything possible. The next, I want to nothing but be myself. I understand that is frustrating. I also hate being ignored. If you ignore me, chances are I'll keep trying to reach out until a certain point when I've had it. Then you won't hear from me for a long time. Then you'll hear from nonstop again. It's how I'm wired. I like attention but I hate it. I like to be close but I like to be distant. Letting someone know everything about me is terrifying. It's why when I do let someone in, it means I hold you on a level of trust so few get to. If you break that trust, well, it's going to take a lot of rebuilding. I don't trust easy, not with big things. I've been betrayed in the past. I've learned. It's why the walls are sometime built so high. If I trust you, that means I've opened the drawbridge and let you in. Welcome to the hangout. 
It's weird though, how you don't realize a lot of things until you're older. Everyone is affected by their childhood. I am a product of my environment. I am aware. I am alert. I am careful. One day, the right person will come along and show me what love is. They'll prove to me that it can last. Maybe it won't. But that's something that won't be determined for a long time. As the old saying goes, it is better to have loved than to not love at all. I strongly believe that. I have loved. I have lost. But I will love again. 
Not just in romantic relationships but in all other types of relationships.. friends family pets :). I will always believe there is a love that can last, I've seen it, not in my parents, but in my grandparents. To use the "language of today", they are #lifegoals #relationshipgoals. They were together for 55 years. Their love was real. Their flame never burned out. I love when my grandmother tells me stories of when they were younger. They have something special. they are what inspire me to keep loving. 

Anyways, the past affects your future, but not necessarily in a bad way. I'm thankful for my life and how things have turned out. I'm thankful for the way I was brought up. It made me who I am. I am unapologetically me and am not afraid to let people know.

peace.love.happiness.

It all works out somehow

"It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger, pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker"

Today is January 20th, 2016. Six years ago, I was excited about track meets and trying to break the shot put record (which I never did, but I did try my best). Six years ago, I was nervous about what would happen in the next year and about finishing high school, starting college. I was scared about how I would make a new set of friends, how I would handle being away from home for the first time. Six years ago, my plan was to work at Plymouth Rock Studios. Six years ago, I looked forward to saying the morning announcements every morning and coming up with a great quote of the day. Six years ago, I was 17. I thought in six years, I'd be so much older. When you're 17, six years is a lot. It's just over a third of your life. Now it's only a quarter of it. 17 year old me thought by 23, I'd be in a stable relationship (destined for forever .. if that even exists), thought I would be well in my career (only a year and half out of college), thought I would still be in Massachusetts, thought there was a chance of also being a teacher, thought motherhood would be something I couldn't wait for (since I was going to be in a stable relationship), thought life was okay, thought she could grow out of her problems, thought completely different than 23 year old me. 
To start, 23 is not that old. 23 is a confusing time. 23 doesn't mean your life is "together". Almost everything I thought 6 years isn't true. I'm definitely not currently in a relationship destined for marriage (not even in one for that matter). I'm 3,000 miles away from Massachusetts. I'm not even in the entertainment industry yet (but am learning business and management which is actually really helpful). I don't plan on being a teacher. I don't want to be a mother right now, in fact, that can be something that can wait a really long time, if at all.  I don't think life is okay anymore, I think it's something special and a lot better than okay. I love life now. I didn't grow out of my problems, I just learned to deal with them instead of bottling everything up and finally admit to myself something was wrong with me. 
When we grow, we change. That's okay. My life is not what I planned it to be. Than again, I use plan loosely. For a long time, I didn't if a future would necessarily exist because I never saw myself in it. I never planned long term. Looking back on my life, I really never did. I never knew what would happen. Moving to California was the start of a long term plan. It was the start to me realizing I'm going to be around for a while. I started a savings, I started thinking about the future. I realized a plan in necessary now, or at least an outline (because we all know life never goes as planned). I'm at a place now where I can handle life better. I'm content. Right now, that is exactly where I need to be after so many years of not. 

Here's to the way I think now and to the completely different way I'll probably think in another 6 years. (Also, 10 years ago was the year I started high school, weird, huh?)

On a side note, here's something else that has been on mind. It seems right now, I log on to facebook, and there's a new engagement announced almost daily or a new pregnancy. I know some people, it's the right time for them. It also makes me think that I'm supposed to be in a relationship because that's just how it is. But it isn't, is it? Some people meet who they'll be with for a good portion of their lives before they are 20, some don't. That's just how it works. Once it's meant to be, it will be. Maybe I've met the person I'll be with for a while and just haven't "clicked" yet or maybe I still haven't even been introduced to that person yet. It is strange when you think about it. An average human lives, what, 70-75 years? We're expected to meet the one person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with when we're only a quarter of the way through. My mind goes crazy when I think about all the people I have yet to meet in my short 23 years and I'm supposed to make my decision now? That's almost like telling people they have decide their true passion at 18.. oh wait, we do that too. For some people, it makes sense because they have a true love or they have a passion. What about the rest of us? We don't all fit into that mold. Maybe I'll get married before I'm 30 or maybe I'll get married when I'm 50 or maybe I won't get married at all. Truly, only time will tell. Just like only time will tell if I end up being a mother or the crazy fun aunt. As I get older, I understand why people have children, but I'm also starting to understand why they don't. What is even weirder is that when I look 60 years down the road, I picture myself with grandchildren, but when I look 20 years down the road, I can't picture myself with kids. Maybe that is because I'm still figuring out who I am. At this moment in time, I'm still getting myself together and getting MY life together. Right now, the responsibility of someone else's life just doesn't fit in with that. Maybe it will later. Right now, I'm just taking my life as it is and enjoying it. I just got my "freedom" and just started living my life and am not ready to give that up yet. Today, I don't have to worry about anyone else. I have nothing tying me down anywhere. I have family throughout the country and across the pond. I have friends all around too. But I don't have a specific thing to keep me in one place. I like that freedom. 

Thanks for sticking with me for a post of stream of consciousness. It tends to go on tangents and back and forth, welcome to my brain? The overall point, I'm content with my life right now. That's a very good thing. 

peace.love.happiness.

Adult (in progress) and adventures.

These past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about life. Often I forget that I'm 23. Today on my timehop, a picture from my first trip to NYC showed up... from seven years ago. Two thoughts crossed my mind: one) how was the seven years ago already? two) It was only 7 years ago? I remember that trip very well. It was three days after Christmas, my junior year of high school, and it was with Student Council. The tree was still up in Rockefeller Plaza. I saw NBC Studios for the first time (one of the most exciting parts). We also took pictures with the Trump Tower Doorman. That was when Trump was riding the high life with Apprentice, before he was seen as somewhat of a joke. 

Life has been weird, as it should. It's funny to think I'm 23. When I was growing up, I had to ask for permission for things, as a kid often has to do. I realized the other day that I don't have to anymore. Then another thought crossed my mind, I feel as though I'm as much an adult as I still am a kid. Yes, I'm on the other coast, paying my own bills, paying rent. Yes, I have a full time job. But, I still call home just to say hi and to also ask life advice questions. I'm an adult in progress. I have much to learn, but I am well on my way. 

When I was younger, 23 seemed much older. I thought at 23, I would be working my dream job, in a serious relationship, and I wouldn't have days where I literally do nothing just because I can (one day off a week leads to relaxation and days spent in pajamas when possible). Some people are at that stage in their live where they are working their dream jobs and getting married and having kids. Everyone is different. What may be right for one is not right for all. Marriage is something I don't see in the next five years (maybe even the next ten) and kids, kids terrify me at the moment. That doesn't mean I'm not happy for my friends who are ready for one or both of those. I just know I'm not. I like living for myself at the moment and not having to be responsible for anyone else. I spent so long worrying about others and not putting myself first. I think this is making up for all those lost years on myself. Now I'm living for myself while I can and doing what I want. 

With that being said, the week before Christmas, my sister came and visited. We are some kind of stupid and some kind of insane, but some kind of adventurous. I was off Monday at 6PM. Then I had Tuesday and Wednesday off. So what did we do? We hopped in my car and drove to the Grand Canyon, 8 1/2 hours away. You know what, first, we didn't kill each other. Second, it was worth it, 100%. Seeing the Grand Canyon has been something I have wanted to do since I was a little kid watching the Brady Bunch. I'm happy to have finally made it. It may be a ginormous hole in the ground, but it is one of the most breathtaking ginormous holes in the ground. It's beautiful. We hiked a bit in the canyon, and despite it being below freezing, I actually took my winter coat off a few times and wasn't freezing. I haven't seen snow in over a year and a half and haven't been in temperatures below 38 since last January (and that was for a night and only five minutes outside a warm car). It was a nice taste of winter (the only one I need this year). Driving to the Grand Canyon with my sister is one of those adventures we'll always have, just like the trip to NYC for the first time. 

It was something fun that we made the choice to do because we are adults and our twenties are the years to go on these adventures. 

This trip also made me realize how much I am my parents' daughter. I've never really seen myself in them until more recently. I'm a great mixture of them, as different as they are. I'm happy to see that.

Anyways, 2015 is coming to a close which means I have 2 more days to finish the year off on a high note. I very much plan to do so. I don't know how yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something in the next 48 hours. 

Happy New Year, here's to seeing what adventures 2016 holds! (and how much more of an adult I become)

peace.love.happiness.

Am I a Functioning Adult... and a morning person?

At the beginning of this year, my New Year's Resolution was to become a functioning adult and to not sleep in so much. I'd say being a manager and staying on top of my responsibilities and paying my bills qualifies as a functioning adult. As for the sleeping in, I have become a morning person (except the last few days because I've been sick). For the most part, my I go to work at either 5 or 6 in the morning. That means I actually go to bed at a decent time (between 8 and 10). On my off days, I still wake up early without an alarm. 10 has become sleeping in to me instead of waking up early. 
New Year's Resolution 2015: check.

I haven't really put thought into my new year's resolution for 2016 yet. I've had a lot on my mind lately and am unsure of what this year will bring. Here's what I know: I will make it back to Massachusetts for Kim's wedding. I want to make it back for Christmas. I will find a job related to film or television. Three big things for 2016. I'm excited. 

2015 has been another eye opener. It brought many adventures from nights out that turned into the next day to day long adventures to making the most of every moment in one day to learning who some of your best friends are to being the bigger person to learning what is more important to learning value to learning to live. 

I work a lot. As a manager at Dunkin, I work 6 days a week every week (with the exception of the three day vacation I took to spend time with my dad and stepmom which still required my phone on). A fifty hour week is a "short" week. At 23, I didn't think I would be working 6 days a week all the time. When I took this position, I thought I knew what I was getting in to, but I didn't. I've adjusted to working 6 days. Sometimes, it sinks in that I get one day a week to myself. That means one day to do laundry, run errands, maybe hang out with friends. Sometimes, it's tiring. Then I realize, this is real life, isn't it? I used to think I was so tired and had so many things to do in college. I remember one of my professors laughing at me for thinking I would have so much more free time after college. In the "real world", you don't get a week off at Thanksgiving, five weeks for Christmas, and a three month summer. You can't just skip a day because you're tired or sick. There are things that need to get done that won't get done if you don't do them. There are people relying on you to make sure these things get done in a timely and efficient manner. Some days, I really want to go back to the college days. I miss my five weeks at Christmas and three month summer to do whatever. This is normal. 

In the adjustment from student to adult, I'm learning. A Lot. Whatever tomorrow has in store for me, I'll be ready. I come from a family of taking what life throws at you and overcoming struggles and being far away. Whatever tomorrow brings, I won't be waiting, I'll already be fighting it. Regardless of how tired I get and how many mornings that alarm goes off I just want to ignore it, I'll keep going because I can.

As usual, I don't know how I got from where I started to here, but welcome to my mind.It doesn't always make sense, but it has a plan that unfolds as it goes.

Anyways, I guess I should probably get to bed. Hopefully this cough will be gone tomorrow (day 9 and counting).

I'll be home for... wait, not this year.

Well, Thanksgiving has passed which means it is officially CHRISTMAS TIME!! YAY!

Yes, I am excited. I love decorating and listening to Christmas music and getting in the holiday spirit. I already decorated my Dunkin (which looks awesome by the way).

You see, being away from home this time of year isn't the easiest. Last year was the first Christmas away from home, and I tried to be strong for everyone and mainly look at it as just another couple days (Christmas Eve) because up until last year, I hadn't even been away for New Years. It wasn't bad last year. We facetimed, and I was surrounded by people here. But, as decorations start popping up and songs keep playing, I can't help but think of the traditions I'll be missing out on again at home. I miss my family. My favorite part about the holidays is being with them. I don't care about the presents, the food, the decorations. I care about the time spent together. My last Christmas at home was actually my favorite Christmas Eve/Christmas. I got to spend time with all of my immediate family on both sides. It was one of the first holiday seasons with little to no stress. It was all I could ever ask for. Growing up in a divorced home wasn't always the easiest on holidays because you're wanted in a couple different places (which is a good thing, looking back). There's only so much time in a day. Over the years, we came up with a plan that worked for everyone. That year, we had our routine down. That's all I ever wanted.

But here I am, 3,000 miles away and thinking about our traditions and how, even when it was stressful, at least we got to be together. I know it isn't easy for my family for me to be away. I know this doesn't help, but I just want to say I miss you guys and I'm sorry for missing out on the festivities and family time again. As hard as it is, know I will be okay. I love you.

No, I won't be home for Christmas this year, but I'll try for next year.

#adulting

Yes, I just used a hashtag in my blog post title. In all honesty, that's my theme lately. I'm 23 and becoming an adult, which I'm learning is an even more awkward phase than kid to teenager. Well, this time I'm a little more confident. 

As I write this, I'm listening to "Stone Cold" by Demi Lovato. It's her latest single. I'd suggest listening to the youtube version of her singing it live and raw. The vocals and emotion in it elicit emotion. This song perfectly sums up something I've been through recently. I won't go into too much detail, but essentially, I kinda liked one of my guy friends. Then he started dating someone. Then I realized we are better are good friends. He's someone I can trust and someone I value very much. This song just sums up that scenario. I am happy for him and support him. 

Things happen in life that don't always go to plan. Instead of resorting to typical teenage girl emotion, I chose to be mature and respectful. Sometimes things happen because it's not meant to be or whatever. I like to believe things happen for a reason. If I'm being honest, our friendship went to a new level once I let go. That speaks volumes in itself. Just like I would look out for my brothers, I look out for him. 

Recently, I was what you call in between apartments (aka homeless). No, I didn't live on the streets. One of my best friends let me stay with him. To have a friend who you've only met in the past year let you stay for a month is a great feeling. When I moved out here, I didn't know anyone. It was starting all over from a blank canvas. I had to create a life out here. For those of you know me, I'm a little shy and awkward when it comes to meeting people. Growing up, I always had siblings with me. Their friends where my friends and mine theirs. Then I moved out here. One year and (almost) three months later, a family has formed. I love my California family. 

The past couple years have been amazing and eye opening because I finally started to live for myself. I became more confident, especially in this past year. You can see it in the way I hold myself, hear it in the way I talk, and notice in the way I handle things. Slowly, but surely, I'm becoming the person I always wanted to be. Confidence is something I've struggled with because it's not always easy when you have two siblings the same age and grow up being compared to them in every aspect from smarts to appearance to athletic ability. I may not be the smartest, prettiest, or most athletic, but I'm happy with who I am. I may have some work to do, but, hey, I'm a work in progress. For this point in my life, that is exactly what I should be.

Ten years from now, these years are going to be memories. Ten years from now, I'll be able to look back and be proud of what I've accomplished and who I've become. My childhood formed me. My independence made me. As long as I stay true to myself, there is no reason to be disappointed or be full of regrets. These past couple years have shown me happiness, like the happiness I knew as a little kid before anything was wrong. 

Anyways, back to #adulting. In the past month, I've signed a lease with two roommates, bought a mattress, and am in the process of signing up for a retirement plan. I've chosen early bedtime over going out. I've fallen asleep by 9:30 multiple times. I struggle to stay up much past that (I know, who am I? Me, going to bed early? getting up early?) Like I said, I'm becoming an adult and being responsible. I work most mornings at 5am. I only go out on the night before my day off and/or the night before my late day. I know getting to work on time and being functional is sometimes more important than socializing and getting drunk. Working around food is not the best thing when you're hungover. With that being said, I'm learning the importance of having fun and making sure you do have adventures. If life is solely work, what's the point of working? I work to have a life. I don't have a life to work. 

I like where I am at right now. I like the transition I'm making. I'm proud of the person I've become in the past year. 

For everyone back home, come visit. Life is good out here, and I have a cute little apartment with room for guests!

Sending sunshine and warmth your way

and sending my love

peace.love.happiness.