Awakening

Today's topic: Realizing things that happened in your past can affect your future.

As most of you know, my parents are divorced. I didn't grow up with parents together showing affection or what love is supposed to look like. That's the way it is. I'm not mad at parents for that. I would much rather the way we grew up than being part of a family that listens to fighting on a daily basis. Regardless of where you go, how you handled it then, and how much time goes on, divorce will affect you in ways you didn't realize until occasions arise. I've seen love work between two people, and I've seen how it can die almost as quick as it begins. That is a part of life. I know I've always been scared of relationships. Yes, it probably does have something to do with the divorce, but at least I can recognize it now. It also has to do with my generation. Dating isn't the same as it was even twenty years ago. I know dating and relationships are for some people. I have a couple best friends in committed relationships who will be getting married this year and next. I know it works. The thing with love is, it's different for everyone. You can know someone for a month or a decade. The ones together for a month have just as good a chance at being together "forever" as the ones who have known each other for a decade. They also have the same chance of breaking up. You could think two people are perfect for each other only to watch that candle quickly burn out. 
Relationships are funny. I know I'm not a good relationship person (I know, I've just had soooo much experience with them). I'm clingy but need space. One day I want to do nothing but everything possible. The next, I want to nothing but be myself. I understand that is frustrating. I also hate being ignored. If you ignore me, chances are I'll keep trying to reach out until a certain point when I've had it. Then you won't hear from me for a long time. Then you'll hear from nonstop again. It's how I'm wired. I like attention but I hate it. I like to be close but I like to be distant. Letting someone know everything about me is terrifying. It's why when I do let someone in, it means I hold you on a level of trust so few get to. If you break that trust, well, it's going to take a lot of rebuilding. I don't trust easy, not with big things. I've been betrayed in the past. I've learned. It's why the walls are sometime built so high. If I trust you, that means I've opened the drawbridge and let you in. Welcome to the hangout. 
It's weird though, how you don't realize a lot of things until you're older. Everyone is affected by their childhood. I am a product of my environment. I am aware. I am alert. I am careful. One day, the right person will come along and show me what love is. They'll prove to me that it can last. Maybe it won't. But that's something that won't be determined for a long time. As the old saying goes, it is better to have loved than to not love at all. I strongly believe that. I have loved. I have lost. But I will love again. 
Not just in romantic relationships but in all other types of relationships.. friends family pets :). I will always believe there is a love that can last, I've seen it, not in my parents, but in my grandparents. To use the "language of today", they are #lifegoals #relationshipgoals. They were together for 55 years. Their love was real. Their flame never burned out. I love when my grandmother tells me stories of when they were younger. They have something special. they are what inspire me to keep loving. 

Anyways, the past affects your future, but not necessarily in a bad way. I'm thankful for my life and how things have turned out. I'm thankful for the way I was brought up. It made me who I am. I am unapologetically me and am not afraid to let people know.

peace.love.happiness.