Dear 2016?

Dear 2016, 

First and foremost, thank you for being a year of growth and learning and a roller coaster. Thank you for keeping us on our toes. 


There are four days left of 2016. For many, it has been a year that would be best forgotten. Some of us are being too quick to jump on that bandwagon. Sure, 2016 has been a hell of a year with celebrity icon deaths, an election that has put this country at a divide and awoken us to things we didn't realize were still problems (or maybe, it's not that we didn't realize, we just didn't notice how bad they were still), and what else happened? I don't know. I do know that this year will always be remembered for the election, maybe not the celebrity deaths though. 2016 will be remembered as just a normal, nothing to special year. 
Regardless of all the bad things that have happened or how awful the whole year seemed to you, did you ever stop to break it down? Was 2016 truly all bad? Every single day, every moment? Probably not. I can tell you 2016 hasn't been an easy one. As stated in my previous post, it has definitely been a roller coaster year. I can tell you that the good and the bad are about even. I watched my best friend walk down the aisle this year and got to be a part of her special day. I got to be asked to be in another best friend's wedding this upcoming spring. I got to see my family up in Seattle and see my cousin get married.  I saw many other childhood friends get engaged or become pregnant. That is something worth celebrating. I've seen people adopt dogs (myself included) and seen people buy their first cars and get promotions at work or get that job they've dreamed of for a while. I've seen friendships grow and relationships and work relationships grow. I've seen people grow (myself included). 
I won't lie to you, I've seen some bad too. We've had misdiagnoses and family scares, we've had deaths, we've had heartbreak. We've had hopes crushed and solemn realizations.

If every year is fantastic, then how do we know when we've had a really good year versus a so-so year. I think we need the so-so years to remind us of the good and to make us appreciate the years that stand out. For me, 2013 will always stand out as the year I started living for myself and taking risks. I think we all have those years that will always remind us of the good years full of huge things.

The thing is, with everything good that 2016 has brought us, i refuse to let the bad outweigh the good. I've grown in ways I didn't realize  would grow this year. I may have helped save a life. I was on the other side of a difficult conversation paying it forward to remind someone that this year may not be their year, and a lot of bad can happen, but you're still here for a reason.
2016 has brought me Dottie. It took me home twice. It got me my first Christmas tree (that wasn't the family tree). It gave me a new store opportunity. It also had difficult moments and lessons ready to be learned (including how to accept the outcome of an election). I learned how being away for holidays can be difficult, but you can still have a good holiday away from home. Dottie and I went to the beach, shared a hot dog on a stick, and then Dottie had an ice cream cone, and we just relaxed and watched a couple movies on Christmas. No, it wasn't full of tradition (I use that term loosely), but it wasn't planned around anyone else's schedule either. We got to just go with the flow and see how the day turned out. It was a nice quiet Christmas.

Maybe it's recent events that put things into perspective to me, but start thinking about the highlights of 2016 and the good moments. Don't forget the bad, but don't dwell on them either. In the end, a year is just a year. It's a collection of 365 (in this case, 366) days, but the only thing that separates it from the next is the number we choose to use. Take everything in stride. Count your blessings by days, not by years. 

Please, as we end this week, remember the good moments and bring that energy into next week as we begin 2017. For those who want to look at forgetting 2016 completely, start out 2017 on a positive note, so you won't want to forget it. 
On a complete side note, am I the only one freaked out that it's already 2017? When did that happen? The graduating high school class is the last class born in the 90s. WHAT? Time is a very odd concept and always boggles my mind. I'm at that awkward stage in life where I feel old but young at the same time. I'm pretty much halfway to 50, but I'm also still getting my life together. It's that age where you're like, I pay all my bills and have a full time job and am a responsible adult, but then you also will call your parents whenever something is wrong or breaks or just appreciating how they never ran out of stuff while you were a kid or how there was always food or even toilet paper. It's keeping track of all that random stuff.
 Half of my friends are settling down. The other half are still going hard every weekend. Then there's me, in bed by 9, 10 at the latest almost every night being a dog mom and enjoying every moment of that and realizing, I'm good with a dog and can't even imagine being engaged/married or having kids. It's a weird age, but I'm enjoying every moment of it and living my life. 

Anyways, got a little off topic. Back to the new year.

My challenge for you is to write down the good moments you have throughout 2017 so when you get to the end of 2017, you can see all the good that occurred.

2016, I thank you for every bit of growth I have earned and for every lesson taught.

Sincerely,
Lisa

P.S. Happy New Year and be safe!

What a year!

in some ways, not much happened this year. In others, everything did. I didn't think I'd grow too much this year, but I think I grew more than I thought I would. I took a big step and adopted Dottie, my little boxer Boston terrier mutt and am so glad I did. She's brought so much happiness and fun and adventure into my life this year. And she's a little space heater when she curls up under the blankets. She is most definitely spoiled and many refer to her as my kid. She basically is. From adopting a dog to traveling home for weddings and minor family things to growing as manager to managing time between work and play to relationships with friends on different levels to opening up and realizing there was nothing to fear to trusting a little more but learning not to trust too much to friendships falling apart and friendships falling together to working on myself to going to my first boxing class to surviving. This year has not been the best overall, but it has had some pretty damn good moments. Weddings, adventures, respinsibilities, tough but necessary conversations, big decisions, buying my first queen size mattress. It's the good moments to hold onto. Family, friends. Taking the opportunity when you get it. Accepting defeat and moving on. Accepting mistakes and letting go. Making decisions, not just on impulse. 

2016, you've been a roller coaster year, and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

Little Accomplishments

There are days when it's a little more difficult than I'd like to admit to get things done. I'm not talking about your typical, I'm just lazy and don't want to do it, can't get things done, procrastination type mood. I'm talking, you physically and mentally do not have the energy to do something. It's hard to understand from an outsider's point of view. For a while, it was hard to understand myself. 

You see, I have a couple things wrong with my mind. When I say wrong, I don't really mean wrong, I mean different, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. Now for those of you I haven't told, don't worry, it's not that bad. For those of you who do know, well here's more insight to what it's like inside my mind (and if you have any questions, i'll be happy to answer them for you, but don't think of me differently. I'm the same person you've known forever). For the past eight years, I have been struggling living with depression and anxiety. The past three have been more living than struggling. 

With both of these diseases, it's a very interesting conversation in my mind. Depression is like telling you there's a whole bunch of things to do, but you don't have any energy to do it and it's not going to matter anyway. It's like that "I'm running on a full night's sleep and how could my alarm possibly be going off already" attempting to get out of bed and how could you possibly be this tired still. Anxiety tells you that you have all these things to do but have no idea where to start because it's a long list. To put in every day life, it's like today. I celebrate the little accomplishments in life. Today was a productive day. I woke up, I walked Dottie. My roommate and I cooked breakfast. Then we went out, voted, did laundry, and ran some errands, then came home and cleaned up the breakfast dishes. To most, that sounds like a normal day. For me, well, that laundry has been piling up for 3 weeks. Cooking breakfast meant using extra energy to make food. Dishes tend to pile up, but doing them the same day is a win. Errands like buying toilet paper, although simple, require effort that I don't always have the energy for because it means getting dressed, putting on shoes, leaving the apartment, driving somewhere, buying the items, then coming back, taking the shoes off.(My mind breaks things off into steps which then makes it even more overwhelming) It's knowing you'll feel better once things are done, but not having enough energy to even care about that. 

A depressed mind is like a battery. You only have so much energy you can exert before you need to recharge. It's why I rarely make plans on my day off. I use it to recharge, sleep in, and attempt chores. I use it to literally recharge and do as little as possible because I know if I don't, I won't have the chance for another six or seven days. When an appliance is overused, it overheats and doesn't work well. When a mind is overused, it shut downs and you just go through the motions. You have to choose what to use your little amount of energy left on and when. For me, that means putting all my energy into work and coming home and sleeping. Maybe I'll cook something easy, or maybe I'll order out because I don't have the energy for the prepping or cooking or cleaning. Maybe i'll just throw something in the microwave because even going outside to get the food just seems like too much. When I do cook or when I do clean or when I do laundry or any little task (like finally cleaning out my car last week), it's something I feel good about. i feel better, I feel accomplished. When you wake up in the morning, you choose to let your illness win or to fight it. I choose to fight. I will always choose to fight because I won't let it defeat me.

A depressed mind does not mean you can't be happy. Actually, you can have quite a lot of happy days, and you learn to appreciate those a lot more than when you don't know what it's like to have a low day. You also learn how to manage, even if that means putting everything aside and sleeping all day even though there is a pile of things to do. Managing mental health is like climbing a mountain when all you can see is the steep hill on top, but then you get to the top and see all things beautiful. Then you realize you still have the hike down full of rocks and hills and steepness you really have to be careful to not slide down. It's understanding there will always be ups and downs but being ready to take them on head on because you have to be up for the challenge. It's going to exhaust you, but when you get to the top, every single time, it never ceases to amaze you how far you've come and how beautiful things are.  

Days like today are good. I celebrate the little wins because, to me, those are big. Surviving out here in California and living and paying my bills and staying on top of things is one of my proudest accomplishments because I didn't know how it was going to play out with my mental health. I know these are difficult conversations to have, but sometimes it's needed to have an open conversation. I know the stigma with it very well, it's why I've told so few people. But I'm a place in my life where it's fine if people know because it shouldn't affect how you see me. I also want people to know it's okay to be vocal. 
Living with depression isn't as bad as people think it is. With the right help, treatment, and support, it's very possible to live a close to normal life (what is normal anyway?). Having depression has taught me valuable lessons like enjoying the little things and to not be so quick to judge. Having a mental illness doesn't mean you're crazy. It's just a thing you have. You learn to control it and living gets a little easier. That's what I've been doing the last few years. Moving to California was to help my career, but it was also a new start. California was the first time I was truly happy for an extended period of time and had  a "break" from my depression when I first visited. That's how I knew it was the right place for me.

For me, Dottie is my little helper. She is an emotional support animal (which pretty much means my dog was prescribed to me). She makes my days better and is a little happy boost always by my side. On bad days, she's there with a wagging tail and ready to snuggle and just stay by my side. I could not more thankful to have a dog.  

My challenge to you is to celebrate the little accomplishments daily. It may not seem like much, but, trust me, it's better. 

new beginnings

It's rather odd to think that your life can change in a matter of months, how it almost feels like years have passed in just a few months. People even. They change too. Some people who you used to  spend most of your free time with aren't even in your life anymore. How do these things happen? How is it that people you were so close to, could tell everything to, don't even know what you're doing or haven't even met your dog? A quote keeps playing in the back of my mind, "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." 

I guess life has a plan. We keep going, but we learn. Each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a long time because that's just how it is. The lessons we learn from them keep coming. They are the ones who will always be there, just like you will be for them. Those are the people who become family. Then, there are others who come into your life briefly to teach you a valuable life lesson. Maybe it's to be careful who you trust, or to test your values, or to have some fun. Thanks for teaching me to be happy with myself and to never settle. Thanks for teaching me to not pretend to be something else or think about doing something I would never do in a million years. 

It's just funny how much life has changed, yet how much it hasn't at the same time. Here I sit on my bed with my dog resting her head on the keyboard as I type, and my punching bag and GLoves are on the floor next to me. two of those things weren't here the last time we spoke. 

just an FYI, i still like to look back on the good moments like bowling or the last nights we hung out. i choose to remember the good, learn from the bad, and let those moments go once the lesson has been learned because holding on won't get me anywhere. We made those decisions. no regrets will ever be had about how our friendships came to be or how they drifted apart. I only wish the best for you, for all the people who have fallen out my life, whether on good terms or bad. May our lives become not only what we want, but what we need, and maybe, just maybe, we'll meet again one day. If it's meant to be, it will.

Here's to finding new paths and to a lifetime of adventures and new beginnings (and endings).

peace.love.happiness.

Work Hard.

Song of the night: "The Girl You Think I Am" by Carrie Underwood

"I've got my faults and I've got regrets, and I know there's more on the road ahead. When I wonder if I'll ever measure up, oh I thank God for a father's love." 

I recently came across this song, and it's all I've been listening tonight. It's a song that reminds me why I became a fan of Carrie Underwood in the first place. Not only can she sing, she can write and tell a story through her songs. 

Anyways, I guess I've been at a bit of a crossroads lately. Graduation pictures are filling my newsfeed on facebook. It's a reminder that two years have passed already. Where am I? Not exactly where I thought I would be. I'm not complaining. I am happy to have a job that pays my bills, but now I'm ready. I just want to be back on set and planning and in the entertainment industry. There's an itch in me that keeps telling me it's time. It's time to do what I've come here to do. 


So, if you're reading this and know of any positions, please let me know. :) 
Here goes putting that degree to use, and here begins the application process. It's more than worth it. 

Random thought on my mind lately: People tend to think that my generation (the millennials) is a lazy generation. Yes, there are some people who are lazy, but that goes for every generation. There are many people my age who I know who work like crazy. If you want some perspective, for the past year, i have been working 6 days a week every week (which is anywhere from 55 to 70 hours a week). I have taken 3 additional days off (all of which I still had my phone on in case something happened .. which did), and I left early twice because 1)I was sick for over two weeks and 2) because I hurt my back one time from falling down the stairs (and that was only two hours early). In a year, I have been off 55 days doing a job that isn't in my field or putting my degree to use. On top of that, I pay my bills every month. i am not a "trust fund" baby. I know in time, this will all pay off. In the meantime, 60 hour weeks are sticking around.My story is just one of many. So many people work hard and crazy hours to make a living. Just because it isn't a major field or anything doesn't mean they are lazy. Even if it is a field they went to school for, people still work so much because you have to. 

With elections coming up quickly, it seems people don't support certain candidates because the lazy millennials support him. Just remember, there are plenty of millenials and other generations who work incredibly hard for little. There are plenty who don't, but it's not just my generation, it's across the board.
 (No, I'm not saying who i'm voting for by the way because I still don't know.)
Just a little something that took up my car thoughts the last couple of days. Driving in Los Angeles is a great time to think.  For me, working as much as I do, I can't wait to put those hours into a job I fully love.

As it is getting closer and closer to 10PM, I think it is time for bed. 
Dottie is currently on the floor next to my bed waiting for me to say it's time for bed. She is definitely one of the best decisions I have made in a while. Dogs just make life better. She is my companion. It makes me so happy when I come home to wagging tail and happy smile after a long day (or a good day) at work. She snuggles every night. 

Life is about to get interesting, time for some changes.

peace.love.happiness.

Awakening

Today's topic: Realizing things that happened in your past can affect your future.

As most of you know, my parents are divorced. I didn't grow up with parents together showing affection or what love is supposed to look like. That's the way it is. I'm not mad at parents for that. I would much rather the way we grew up than being part of a family that listens to fighting on a daily basis. Regardless of where you go, how you handled it then, and how much time goes on, divorce will affect you in ways you didn't realize until occasions arise. I've seen love work between two people, and I've seen how it can die almost as quick as it begins. That is a part of life. I know I've always been scared of relationships. Yes, it probably does have something to do with the divorce, but at least I can recognize it now. It also has to do with my generation. Dating isn't the same as it was even twenty years ago. I know dating and relationships are for some people. I have a couple best friends in committed relationships who will be getting married this year and next. I know it works. The thing with love is, it's different for everyone. You can know someone for a month or a decade. The ones together for a month have just as good a chance at being together "forever" as the ones who have known each other for a decade. They also have the same chance of breaking up. You could think two people are perfect for each other only to watch that candle quickly burn out. 
Relationships are funny. I know I'm not a good relationship person (I know, I've just had soooo much experience with them). I'm clingy but need space. One day I want to do nothing but everything possible. The next, I want to nothing but be myself. I understand that is frustrating. I also hate being ignored. If you ignore me, chances are I'll keep trying to reach out until a certain point when I've had it. Then you won't hear from me for a long time. Then you'll hear from nonstop again. It's how I'm wired. I like attention but I hate it. I like to be close but I like to be distant. Letting someone know everything about me is terrifying. It's why when I do let someone in, it means I hold you on a level of trust so few get to. If you break that trust, well, it's going to take a lot of rebuilding. I don't trust easy, not with big things. I've been betrayed in the past. I've learned. It's why the walls are sometime built so high. If I trust you, that means I've opened the drawbridge and let you in. Welcome to the hangout. 
It's weird though, how you don't realize a lot of things until you're older. Everyone is affected by their childhood. I am a product of my environment. I am aware. I am alert. I am careful. One day, the right person will come along and show me what love is. They'll prove to me that it can last. Maybe it won't. But that's something that won't be determined for a long time. As the old saying goes, it is better to have loved than to not love at all. I strongly believe that. I have loved. I have lost. But I will love again. 
Not just in romantic relationships but in all other types of relationships.. friends family pets :). I will always believe there is a love that can last, I've seen it, not in my parents, but in my grandparents. To use the "language of today", they are #lifegoals #relationshipgoals. They were together for 55 years. Their love was real. Their flame never burned out. I love when my grandmother tells me stories of when they were younger. They have something special. they are what inspire me to keep loving. 

Anyways, the past affects your future, but not necessarily in a bad way. I'm thankful for my life and how things have turned out. I'm thankful for the way I was brought up. It made me who I am. I am unapologetically me and am not afraid to let people know.

peace.love.happiness.

It all works out somehow

"It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger, pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker"

Today is January 20th, 2016. Six years ago, I was excited about track meets and trying to break the shot put record (which I never did, but I did try my best). Six years ago, I was nervous about what would happen in the next year and about finishing high school, starting college. I was scared about how I would make a new set of friends, how I would handle being away from home for the first time. Six years ago, my plan was to work at Plymouth Rock Studios. Six years ago, I looked forward to saying the morning announcements every morning and coming up with a great quote of the day. Six years ago, I was 17. I thought in six years, I'd be so much older. When you're 17, six years is a lot. It's just over a third of your life. Now it's only a quarter of it. 17 year old me thought by 23, I'd be in a stable relationship (destined for forever .. if that even exists), thought I would be well in my career (only a year and half out of college), thought I would still be in Massachusetts, thought there was a chance of also being a teacher, thought motherhood would be something I couldn't wait for (since I was going to be in a stable relationship), thought life was okay, thought she could grow out of her problems, thought completely different than 23 year old me. 
To start, 23 is not that old. 23 is a confusing time. 23 doesn't mean your life is "together". Almost everything I thought 6 years isn't true. I'm definitely not currently in a relationship destined for marriage (not even in one for that matter). I'm 3,000 miles away from Massachusetts. I'm not even in the entertainment industry yet (but am learning business and management which is actually really helpful). I don't plan on being a teacher. I don't want to be a mother right now, in fact, that can be something that can wait a really long time, if at all.  I don't think life is okay anymore, I think it's something special and a lot better than okay. I love life now. I didn't grow out of my problems, I just learned to deal with them instead of bottling everything up and finally admit to myself something was wrong with me. 
When we grow, we change. That's okay. My life is not what I planned it to be. Than again, I use plan loosely. For a long time, I didn't if a future would necessarily exist because I never saw myself in it. I never planned long term. Looking back on my life, I really never did. I never knew what would happen. Moving to California was the start of a long term plan. It was the start to me realizing I'm going to be around for a while. I started a savings, I started thinking about the future. I realized a plan in necessary now, or at least an outline (because we all know life never goes as planned). I'm at a place now where I can handle life better. I'm content. Right now, that is exactly where I need to be after so many years of not. 

Here's to the way I think now and to the completely different way I'll probably think in another 6 years. (Also, 10 years ago was the year I started high school, weird, huh?)

On a side note, here's something else that has been on mind. It seems right now, I log on to facebook, and there's a new engagement announced almost daily or a new pregnancy. I know some people, it's the right time for them. It also makes me think that I'm supposed to be in a relationship because that's just how it is. But it isn't, is it? Some people meet who they'll be with for a good portion of their lives before they are 20, some don't. That's just how it works. Once it's meant to be, it will be. Maybe I've met the person I'll be with for a while and just haven't "clicked" yet or maybe I still haven't even been introduced to that person yet. It is strange when you think about it. An average human lives, what, 70-75 years? We're expected to meet the one person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with when we're only a quarter of the way through. My mind goes crazy when I think about all the people I have yet to meet in my short 23 years and I'm supposed to make my decision now? That's almost like telling people they have decide their true passion at 18.. oh wait, we do that too. For some people, it makes sense because they have a true love or they have a passion. What about the rest of us? We don't all fit into that mold. Maybe I'll get married before I'm 30 or maybe I'll get married when I'm 50 or maybe I won't get married at all. Truly, only time will tell. Just like only time will tell if I end up being a mother or the crazy fun aunt. As I get older, I understand why people have children, but I'm also starting to understand why they don't. What is even weirder is that when I look 60 years down the road, I picture myself with grandchildren, but when I look 20 years down the road, I can't picture myself with kids. Maybe that is because I'm still figuring out who I am. At this moment in time, I'm still getting myself together and getting MY life together. Right now, the responsibility of someone else's life just doesn't fit in with that. Maybe it will later. Right now, I'm just taking my life as it is and enjoying it. I just got my "freedom" and just started living my life and am not ready to give that up yet. Today, I don't have to worry about anyone else. I have nothing tying me down anywhere. I have family throughout the country and across the pond. I have friends all around too. But I don't have a specific thing to keep me in one place. I like that freedom. 

Thanks for sticking with me for a post of stream of consciousness. It tends to go on tangents and back and forth, welcome to my brain? The overall point, I'm content with my life right now. That's a very good thing. 

peace.love.happiness.