Facing Fears

Today marks one year since I made the move to California. Last July held a lot of emotions. I remember be so scared, but the excitement overtook everything. I didn't know what would happen or how I would be able to keep my head above water. I moved with next to nothing in my bank account and about to pick up a lot in student loans. There were a couple times I thought about buying a ticket back to Massachusetts and just make it a short trip. I fought the fears because I don't think you're really ever ready for anything. I came out here without a plan other than I wanted to make it work. For the most part, I have. 

One of my favorite quotes was said by Eleanor Roosevelt. She once said, "you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." She also said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." I think she was on to something. Those two quotes, I have followed the last few years. Moving out was something terrifying. Paying bills is also terrifying. Knowing that the money you make generally goes towards living kind of sucks at times. You know you have to be responsible. You see people you know who don't have to pay attention, and that is hard. Then again, if I have to choose a night at a club or a night at home watching a movie and drinking some tea or a $5 bottle of wine, I'd choose the latter (I can wear sweatpants). 
As for that second quote, I still believe in my dream. I know it doesn't always seem like it, but one of these days, I'll be in the director's chair. I'm just taking the scenic route. In the mean time, I haven't done so bad. I had a couple gigs in the beginning and some networking throughout the last year. I've also built a reputation working at the first Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles. In just a few short weeks, I'll be manager of the next one opening (which will be in Culver City). You know what? I'm excited. Dunkin has taught me customer service, routine, fixing mistakes, and management. There were a few times when I had to learn the difference between friend and coworker and friend and shift leader. Now I'm preparing to be manager and working on that. 

Life in Los Angeles is pretty great. I like having the option of going to the beach daily if I want. It's nice when I do go and am reminded of how beautiful this place is. I've been to a few different parks and found some great hiking. I've made friends who I hope I can introduce to people in Massachusetts and from Quinnipiac. My friends have taught me about living and remind me to enjoy myself every once in a while. I've been on day long adventures, last minute adventures, late night adventures. My life is an adventure. Some things have happened that I can't believe and others would make you think my life is a sitcom. Dunkin was a soap opera for a good three months. Throughout my first year in Los Angeles, I have made friends, lost friends, and made so many memories. I have lived. 

So here's to facing your fears and doing something for yourself (some may even say, to risking it all to start again) 

(and, here's to the next however many years in Califonia and my family who I left in Massachusetts, thank you for continuing to support me)

peace.love.happiness.

To Everyone Back Home

Well, it's officially July. This time a year ago, I was saying my goodbyes. I was 15 days away from making the biggest move of my life so far. I was 15 days away from the unknown. I didn't know where I was going, what I was going to do, or anything really. All I knew was, I was ready to start a new life, to chase my dreams. Well, I'm still chasing them.

To everyone back home who knows my potential and knows I'm not quite there, I'm telling you the same thing I was telling you a year ago, don't worry. I know I have disappointed some people. I know people want me to get a film job or a tv job. I do want those. The thing is, I'm not particularly unhappy where I am now. I know, I know. I didn't go to college and get a film degree to work at dunkin donuts and become a manager. On the plus side, I'm learning management. More importantly, I'm learning responsibility. I'm paying my bills (sometimes cutting it close), but I'm paying them. I'm surviving. I'm staying afloat. To me, that's more important right now. I'm proving to myself that I can do it. I know it's been almost a year. I know the longer you're out the harder it is to get back in. I'm working on it. Don't worry, I'm working on it.

I'm also working on myself. As most of the people closest to me know, my mental state wasn't always the best. I downplayed my mental state a lot when I was younger and probably should have been more proactive about it sooner. The thing is, I made the decision to work on myself and get better. This past year has been amazing in so many ways. For the first year in a while, I've had more happy days than depressed ones. That is something worth celebrating. For the first year in a while, I've focused on myself more than others. For the first year in a while, I've been confident.

So, no, I don't have an industry job. But, at least I have a job and am paying my bills. At least, I haven't given up. I know my journey is slow. I have a knack for taking the scenic route. However I get there, I'll know the journey was amazing. However I get there, I'll get there. Don't worry. For the first time, I'm saying that truthfully. Don't worry.

For now, just be happy I'm happy. That's what I am. I'm proud of what I've done in this past year. I'm proud of myself.