Riding the Waves part 2: songwriting

here you are again

tossing and turning

voices inside your head

keeping you up, not letting you sleep

going over every last detail

and every mistake you’ve ever made

that’s when you find out

you can be your own worst enemy

but darling look to the stars

that’s when you’ll see

something worth living for

i hope you know that you’re worth it

i hope you know that you’re loved

even on the darkest nights, storms a brewing

sunny skies are just above

so please just hold on

don’t give up the fight

it only gets better

you only get stronger

your future can be bright

if only you hold on, please hold on tonight

i hope you know that you’re worth it

i hope you know you are loved

even on the darkest nights

sunny skies are up above

it’s all about riding the wave through the storm we call life

sometimes, sometimes the waves are little

but sometimes, it’s a hurricane

so get your life jacket on

let’s put up a fight

don’t give up on yourself

you’re more than strong enough

but when life gets rough

please remember

you know that you are worth it

you know that you are loved

you know that you are tough

you know that life is good

Riding the Waves

A common theme in my life this year has been riding the waves. I've learned more about the balance and accepting that waves come. Sometimes, they are calm. Sometimes, they can be a hurricane. Regardless of what waves you go through, they must alway break. Sunny skies are just ahead. 

I was reading some of my posts from last year, specifically the end of the year ones. I had high hopes for this year, but by June, I was already ready for it to be 2018. Here we are, one month to go. Now I'm ready to enjoy the last month of this wavy year with my family. I've learned that some years aren't easy. Some like to really test you. However, I've learned all waves will break. For every rough patch, there's a calm sea. Every wave makes you stronger. I've managed to keep my head above water despite the tragedies, despite the unexpected, despite the tsunamis that crashed into me like bricks. There were times I definitely got knocked down, but here I am on my feet.
Looking back at this year, I don't know how I managed to grow more than I did in previous years. I don't know how the chain of events occurred or led to one another. I know this year was mainly rough and wavy, but there were a few good times. I can't let the waves make me forget those. I don't want to forget the waves either. Important people in my life are no longer here. They watch from above as we continue to navigate our way. They became our angels. Closure slowly begins to happen. They are always with us. 
it's funny (in an ironic way). Each time something bad happened, I thought to myself, "What's next?" Boy, did I learn to not ask myself that question again. Through each rough streak, I found myself surrounded by people who cared about me and wouldn't let me drown. In the past, I would easily let myself shut down to everyone else or just pretend nothing was wrong until I just broke. This time, I opened up. This time, i allowed myself to feel. I also challenged myself to remember the good and to embrace how the ones I loved, lived. They lived with adventure and wanted everyone around them to have a great time and a day/moment to remember. 
I'm reminded that days are not unlimited. I'm reminded that life is to be lived. Sometimes, you're hit by a wave you didn't see coming, and then you're repeatedly knocked down by the ones that follow while you still try to regain your footing. Don't be scared of those waves. Don't let them rule your life. If you're always scared of what's next, you won't be able to live in the moment. You won't be able to live your life in a way that results in happiness. 
I'm not saying, don't be upset or grieve. What I'm saying is don't let your grief or uncertainty control you. If I did that, I'd never leave my bed in the morning. I wouldn't have gone paddleboarding. I wouldn't have driven to Washington. I wouldn't have started working on films. I just wouldn't have. 
My life has been a series of waves in different aspects. As you know from previous posts, I have the fun things called anxiety and depression. With these two things, waves can easily turn into tsunamis. But, Through therapy, medication, and a good support system I've built throughout the years, I've ridden the waves from those and managed to keep most relatively small. This year especially, waves have been huge. Learning to ride those waves has been an important thing in my overall wellbeing. I've accepted them. I've reminded myself time after time that waves will break. Calmer seas are on the horizon. If you can get through one wave, you can get through the next. It might be a different beast. some waves come at you from both sides, some just pass through. Regardless, you survived. You rode the wave and made it to shore. 
Why am I sharing all of this? Does any of it make sense to you? I don't know. It makes sense in my mind. I hope by sharing more of how my brain operates might help someone else struggling through.

Through an outlet and upon recent events, i finally put words back into song. If you look at this post, you can read it. 

Up next: post of events from this year.

2017 has been a wavy year. I'm not setting up too much hope for a calm 2018, but I am ready to swim. 

Happy Thanksgiving

first off, Happy thanksgiving! 🦃

I guess this time of year is when we start the end of year reflection. Or at least I do anyway. This year has been one of the harder years in my life so far and the first year since 2008 I’ve really experienced loss. It’s been a year of up and downs and a few twists and turns and spirals. This year has taught how to ride the wave. With every up, there is a down. Every down is followed by an up. This year has challenged me unexpectedly with a few deaths of people (and pets) who are very important to me and my family. Being on the other side of the country was not the easiest thing and closure was hard to come by. Everything linked in some way. I’ve realized growing up entails growing through hard times and learning how to keep getting out of bed after something happens as your life feels like it is paused and everyone around is in fast forward. Eventually, you catch back up. Growing up means growing. It means coping. It means living through each wave. It means continuing to learn and continuing to take risks. I’ve learned you have to remain optimistic  but also allow yourself to grieve and to feel emotions. You can’t brush it under a rug. You have to deal with it. Grieving includes learning how to allow yourself to have Happy moments and enjoy the memories and not feel guilty for happy days shortly after a death.  I feel as though I’ve grown more this year than I have in recent years. 

When I started this post, I didn’t really know what I would write completely. How did I get from happy thanksgiving to here? Every challenge I’ve faced, every wave I’ve ridden have taught me how important it is to appreciate those around you. I’ve opened up where I haven’t before. I have let people in, and I have strengthened relationships with people who will be in my life for years to come. I am thankful to have the time I have to spend with my family (immediate and extended), my friends, and my dog. Really, those are all the same; they’re all family. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my life and those in it.