You see, I have a couple things wrong with my mind. When I say wrong, I don't really mean wrong, I mean different, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. Now for those of you I haven't told, don't worry, it's not that bad. For those of you who do know, well here's more insight to what it's like inside my mind (and if you have any questions, i'll be happy to answer them for you, but don't think of me differently. I'm the same person you've known forever). For the past eight years, I have been
With both of these diseases, it's a very interesting conversation in my mind. Depression is like telling you there's a whole bunch of things to do, but you don't have any energy to do it and it's not going to matter anyway. It's like that "I'm running on a full night's sleep and how could my alarm possibly be going off already" attempting to get out of bed and how could you possibly be this tired still. Anxiety tells you that you have all these things to do but have no idea where to start because it's a long list. To put in every day life, it's like today. I celebrate the little accomplishments in life. Today was a productive day. I woke up, I walked Dottie. My roommate and I cooked breakfast. Then we went out, voted, did laundry, and ran some errands, then came home and cleaned up the breakfast dishes. To most, that sounds like a normal day. For me, well, that laundry has been piling up for 3 weeks. Cooking breakfast meant using extra energy to make food. Dishes tend to pile up, but doing them the same day is a win. Errands like buying toilet paper, although simple, require effort that I don't always have the energy for because it means getting dressed, putting on shoes, leaving the apartment, driving somewhere, buying the items, then coming back, taking the shoes off.(My mind breaks things off into steps which then makes it even more overwhelming) It's knowing you'll feel better once things are done, but not having enough energy to even care about that.
A depressed mind is like a battery. You only have so much energy you can exert before you need to recharge. It's why I rarely make plans on my day off. I use it to recharge, sleep in, and attempt chores. I use it to literally recharge and do as little as possible because I know if I don't, I won't have the chance for another six or seven days. When an appliance is overused, it overheats and doesn't work well. When a mind is overused, it shut downs and you just go through the motions. You have to choose what to use your little amount of energy left on and when. For me, that means putting all my energy into work and coming home and sleeping. Maybe I'll cook something easy, or maybe I'll order out because I don't have the energy for the prepping or cooking or cleaning. Maybe i'll just throw something in the microwave because even going outside to get the food just seems like too much. When I do cook or when I do clean or when I do laundry or any little task (like finally cleaning out my car last week), it's something I feel good about. i feel better, I feel accomplished. When you wake up in the morning, you choose to let your illness win or to fight it. I choose to fight. I will always choose to fight because I won't let it defeat me.
A depressed mind does not mean you can't be happy. Actually, you can have quite a lot of happy days, and you learn to appreciate those a lot more than when you don't know what it's like to have a low day. You also learn how to manage, even if that means putting everything aside and sleeping all day even though there is a pile of things to do. Managing mental health is like climbing a mountain when all you can see is the steep hill on top, but then you get to the top and see all things beautiful. Then you realize you still have the hike down full of rocks and hills and steepness you really have to be careful to not slide down. It's understanding there will always be ups and downs but being ready to take them on head on because you have to be up for the challenge. It's going to exhaust you, but when you get to the top, every single time, it never ceases to amaze you how far you've come and how beautiful things are.
Days like today are good. I celebrate the little wins because, to me, those are big. Surviving out here in California and living and paying my bills and staying on top of things is one of my proudest accomplishments because I didn't know how it was going to play out with my mental health. I know these are difficult conversations to have, but sometimes it's needed to have an open conversation. I know the stigma with it very well, it's why I've told so few people. But I'm a place in my life where it's fine if people know because it shouldn't affect how you see me. I also want people to know it's okay to be vocal.
Living with depression isn't as bad as people think it is. With the right help, treatment, and support, it's very possible to live a close to normal life (what is normal anyway?). Having depression has taught me valuable lessons like enjoying the little things and to not be so quick to judge. Having a mental illness doesn't mean you're crazy. It's just a thing you have. You learn to control it and living gets a little easier. That's what I've been doing the last few years. Moving to California was to help my career, but it was also a new start. California was the first time I was truly happy for an extended period of time and had a "break" from my depression when I first visited. That's how I knew it was the right place for me.
For me, Dottie is my little helper. She is an emotional support animal (which pretty much means my dog was prescribed to me). She makes my days better and is a little happy boost always by my side. On bad days, she's there with a wagging tail and ready to snuggle and just stay by my side. I could not more thankful to have a dog.
My challenge to you is to celebrate the little accomplishments daily. It may not seem like much, but, trust me, it's better.
