"It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger, pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker"
Today is January 20th, 2016. Six years ago, I was excited about track meets and trying to break the shot put record (which I never did, but I did try my best). Six years ago, I was nervous about what would happen in the next year and about finishing high school, starting college. I was scared about how I would make a new set of friends, how I would handle being away from home for the first time. Six years ago, my plan was to work at Plymouth Rock Studios. Six years ago, I looked forward to saying the morning announcements every morning and coming up with a great quote of the day. Six years ago, I was 17. I thought in six years, I'd be so much older. When you're 17, six years is a lot. It's just over a third of your life. Now it's only a quarter of it. 17 year old me thought by 23, I'd be in a stable relationship (destined for forever .. if that even exists), thought I would be well in my career (only a year and half out of college), thought I would still be in Massachusetts, thought there was a chance of also being a teacher, thought motherhood would be something I couldn't wait for (since I was going to be in a stable relationship), thought life was okay, thought she could grow out of her problems, thought completely different than 23 year old me.
To start, 23 is not that old. 23 is a confusing time. 23 doesn't mean your life is "together". Almost everything I thought 6 years isn't true. I'm definitely not currently in a relationship destined for marriage (not even in one for that matter). I'm 3,000 miles away from Massachusetts. I'm not even in the entertainment industry yet (but am learning business and management which is actually really helpful). I don't plan on being a teacher. I don't want to be a mother right now, in fact, that can be something that can wait a really long time, if at all. I don't think life is okay anymore, I think it's something special and a lot better than okay. I love life now. I didn't grow out of my problems, I just learned to deal with them instead of bottling everything up and finally admit to myself something was wrong with me.
When we grow, we change. That's okay. My life is not what I planned it to be. Than again, I use plan loosely. For a long time, I didn't if a future would necessarily exist because I never saw myself in it. I never planned long term. Looking back on my life, I really never did. I never knew what would happen. Moving to California was the start of a long term plan. It was the start to me realizing I'm going to be around for a while. I started a savings, I started thinking about the future. I realized a plan in necessary now, or at least an outline (because we all know life never goes as planned). I'm at a place now where I can handle life better. I'm content. Right now, that is exactly where I need to be after so many years of not.
Here's to the way I think now and to the completely different way I'll probably think in another 6 years. (Also, 10 years ago was the year I started high school, weird, huh?)
On a side note, here's something else that has been on mind. It seems right now, I log on to facebook, and there's a new engagement announced almost daily or a new pregnancy. I know some people, it's the right time for them. It also makes me think that I'm supposed to be in a relationship because that's just how it is. But it isn't, is it? Some people meet who they'll be with for a good portion of their lives before they are 20, some don't. That's just how it works. Once it's meant to be, it will be. Maybe I've met the person I'll be with for a while and just haven't "clicked" yet or maybe I still haven't even been introduced to that person yet. It is strange when you think about it. An average human lives, what, 70-75 years? We're expected to meet the one person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with when we're only a quarter of the way through. My mind goes crazy when I think about all the people I have yet to meet in my short 23 years and I'm supposed to make my decision now? That's almost like telling people they have decide their true passion at 18.. oh wait, we do that too. For some people, it makes sense because they have a true love or they have a passion. What about the rest of us? We don't all fit into that mold. Maybe I'll get married before I'm 30 or maybe I'll get married when I'm 50 or maybe I won't get married at all. Truly, only time will tell. Just like only time will tell if I end up being a mother or the crazy fun aunt. As I get older, I understand why people have children, but I'm also starting to understand why they don't. What is even weirder is that when I look 60 years down the road, I picture myself with grandchildren, but when I look 20 years down the road, I can't picture myself with kids. Maybe that is because I'm still figuring out who I am. At this moment in time, I'm still getting myself together and getting MY life together. Right now, the responsibility of someone else's life just doesn't fit in with that. Maybe it will later. Right now, I'm just taking my life as it is and enjoying it. I just got my "freedom" and just started living my life and am not ready to give that up yet. Today, I don't have to worry about anyone else. I have nothing tying me down anywhere. I have family throughout the country and across the pond. I have friends all around too. But I don't have a specific thing to keep me in one place. I like that freedom.
Thanks for sticking with me for a post of stream of consciousness. It tends to go on tangents and back and forth, welcome to my brain? The overall point, I'm content with my life right now. That's a very good thing.
peace.love.happiness.
